Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

Excerpts from the Archives
of the
Narcissism List

Part 16

1. Self-Destructing Narcissists

Lately, I am encountering severe opposition to my assertion that narcissists very rarely heal and that - while I AM a VERY insightful and self-aware narcissist - I am far from being "cured"...

The reactions range from mere disbelief to the occasional accusation of ... yet another narcissistic ploy ...

I have been aware of my predicament for five years now. Not only am I acquainted with most of the intricate quirks of narcissism - I even have the dubious distinction of coining a few of the phrases. If there is an "enlightened", self conscious, and insight-ridden narcissist - with all narcissistic grandiosity, it would be me.

So, controlling my impulses, both self-destructive and other-destructive, should be a piece of cake, shouldn't it? 

It is not.

Upon my release from jail (1996), I left Israel never to return and proceeded to Macedonia.

When I arrived there, five years ago, it was a corrupt country, ruled by unreformed communists. I organized lectures, seminars, and media events in which I protested against the conduct of the government. I swept the youth and became a real nuisance to the regime. Following threats on my life and the arrest of one of my collaborators I fled Macedonia.

There was a happy ending, though: the ruling party was ousted in the October elections. The Prime Minister and the Minister of Trade (and, later, Finance) have invited me to serve as an economic consultant. 

This offer (to become Economic Advisor) had the following merits, as far as I was concerned:

1. Status

2. Leverage (self enrichment, contacts around the world in media, financial, diplomatic and political circles)

3. I was offered a monthly fee.

4. My girlfriend is Macedonian, extremely homesick and our relationship is strained to the point of breaking by having to live outside her country. Repatriating would have secured the longevity of our relationship. 

5. It is an intellectually very challenging work.

BUT

Instead of accepting this excellent, generous, panacea-like proposal - I rejected it, insulted almost all the members of the government (the PM included) as "corrupt incompetents", turned down the offer rudely, and in a manner humiliating to the offeror, selected a certain figure there and decided that he is my mortal enemy and, in general, succeeded to humiliate, alienate, and distance myself from formerly fervent and zealous admirers of mine. Though I renewed contact with them - their answers to my pleas were so cold and hurt that I felt compelled to resign my position.

On the face of it these can be construed as either anti-narcissistic behaviors or as extreme acts of self destruction.

But, actually, these are CLASSICAL narcissistic behavior patterns. They serve to demonstrate that I am VERY far from "healing". Actually, these acts so resemble previous cases in my biography that they represent a major REGRESSION to earlier, more primitive, less controlled, narcissistic behaviors.

Let us see why I did what I did to ruin my only viable chance:

1. Compulsive self destruction. Compulsion is a coping strategy. It is intended to diffuse or to prevent anxiety. It brings relief in its wake.
   Indeed, I was relieved to have devastated my own future. The Narcissist engages in self defeating behaviors as a way to avoid, or destroy commitments, patterns, relationships, and frameworks. These tend to smother him. I am so scared of any type of emotional involvement that I was able to discern in myself HUNDREDS of behaviors intended to prevent emotional involvement.
   I called them Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms (EIPMs). They are described and analyzed in depth here: http://www.narcissism.cjb.net/msla.html

2. A sense of exaggerated entitlement and grandiose fantasies combine to produce unrealistic expectations. When these are, inevitably, frustrated - the narcissist resorts to temper tantrums and other aggressive and violent behaviors. I literally imagined myself being invited publicly, on TV, by none less than the PM. A red carpet and a host of TV cameras to welcome me were an integral part of my vision. I reacted to every hint of deviation from this ideal scenario. I refused to let reality intrude. When it did, I exploded.

3. To cater to the needs for a compulsive expurgation (catharsis) of the fear of commitment and the surreal sense of entitlement and grandiosity - the narcissist invents imaginary enemies and confabulated hurts (see FAQ 26 to 27 ). These contraptions serve a dual purpose:
   They legitimize self defeating and self destructive behaviors by replacing the perceived TARGET of these behaviors. For instance, I told myself and others that I refused to come back because I was afraid of my enemies there and especially of one particular person. That person probably scarcely heard of me and had no reason in the world to be my enemy. But once I singled him out, that was it. I unilaterally judged him to be a vile, corrupt, and dangerous foe and I behaved accordingly by "avoiding" his territory and by trying to undermine him.

The second function is to prospectively legitimize any and all acts and decisions intended to prevent emotional involvement. "Whenever I get (emotionally) involved, I create enemies and hurt myself. So, why should I get involved?" Cloaked in the mantle of "self preservation" and the pursuit of one's best interest, this kind of reasoning, based on totally fabricated figments of the narcissist's thwarted imagination - leads once more to self destruction.

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