by Elaine M. Gibson

Why is it that children can't drink liquids without spilling? Why do children walk down a hallway with their hands on the wall? How can they walk through a room and wreck havoc without noticing? Why can't they just listen to reason? Why do they have to want everything their way? Why do children have to be SO childish?

Because they are children, not just small adults. Babies are obviously too young to be held accountable to adult standards but once a child "seems" to have command of the adult language, expectations change. I have very little patience with grown-ups who think children are just short adults who misbehave. Adults who demand "grown-up behavior" from children can cause so much harm. Children are not miniature adults who just choose to "misbehave."

Years ago I came across a book with a wonderful title, "A Sympathetic Understanding of Children." Written by David Elkind, the book has remained a favorite of mine just because of the title. I think children are wonderful. Sharing life with a child is both a challenge and a blessing. Every child is a human being deserving all the respect and consideration afforded to taller varieties, but every child is a child, not a small adult.

Children slowly reach maturity through different areas of growth. Physical growth is obvious, yet adults often fail to understand the implications of size. For instance, children do not have the coordination that adults have achieved. Five and six year olds do not normally spill cups of milk because they want to spill, they spill because they haven't yet developed the coordination to prevent such accidents. Coordination will come, but not on demand. Practice is necessary and accidents come with it.

Just as with physical development, there are other areas in which children must grow before they can be held accountable by adult standards. Social, emotional, and intellectual growth come with age and experience, not with insistence on adult standards. We can assault children with adult expectations and make childhood a very unpleasant experience or we can accept children where they are and as they are, gently guiding them through the normal stages of development.

We can provide the type of environment and care that will facilitate physical, social, emotional, and intellectual growth. Perhaps we all need to have more faith in our children. We need to trust them to grow and develop; all children come with the ability. My favorite parenting comparison is the gardener nurturing flowers. Seeds are planted in rich soil and provided the necessary elements for growth. Water, not too little, not too much. At times, extra food. The young plant needs protection and cannot be forced to flower.

The gardener would never think of digging under the soil and pulling the young shoot to the surface. When the young leaves first appear, they would never be stretched out to a bigger size. As the first buds appear, no one would try to uncurl the tight petals in order to see the flower sooner. Such tactics would stunt growth or even kill the plant. Instead, patience and restraint are required in waiting for the plant's maturity. When each stage of growth is enjoyed, the flower is even sweeter.

It is much easier to live with children when we understand their behavior. We can gain a perspective that makes parenting easier, -- a sympathetic understanding of children.