Seven Steps in Coping
with a Negative Child
by Elaine M. Gibson
Background: They were born in a bad mood!
In classic temperament studies, researchers looked at basic observable
traits of personality that can be observed from birth. One of those initial
traits of reactivity was described as "mood." Babies come into
this world with an identifiable mood as part of their personality. This
normal continuum can be described as positive at one end to negative at the
other end. We come into the world with a positive or negative way of
responding to life. This initial response does not seem to change over time.
Children with a positive mood are delightful babies. When their needs are
met, they are happy and satisfied most of the time. These babies smile and
laugh and make parents feel very secure. They seem to expect good things to
happen. My daughter was a very positive baby. She always woke up smiling.
Erin is still a positive person.
Babies with a negative mood are not so delightful. I would never have
believed a child could come into the world frowning if I didn't have one
myself. From day one, it is almost as though this world was not what he had
in mind. All babies cry when they are hungry, uncomfortable, or need
attention. Negative babies whine and cry and fuss about everything. Needless
to say, they are not easy babies for parents to nurture. Nothing a parent
can do keeps them happy for any length of time.
Been there; done it.
When our son was three years old, he told us that he never had a good
day. We asked what a good day was. His reply, "There are only four good
days a year: my birthday, Halloween, Christmas, and Easter." His
philosophy has not changed. Chuck is capable of having a good time, he
enjoys doing things he wants to do, but basically, he sees the world through
a haze of doubt. He doubts that things will be that good. His sister on the
other hand, is always looking for the bright side. She is happy to be alive
and enjoys the world. If something goes wrong today, she knows it will be
better tomorrow.
I would never choose a negative temperament for a child. Chuck's
negativism was driving me crazy by the time he was two. I went back to the
research on personality that I had studied years before and found the
description of Chuck. I didn't like it but I knew we had to accept the fact
that we had a negative child. Not only is a negative child difficult for
parents, it is a hard life for the child.
Seven Steps that will help.
According to the studies, we can enhance desirable traits and subdue less
than desirable traits but we can not change a child into something that he
or she is not. These steps were derived from personal experience.
Step One: Accept the negative child "as is."
If this child is constantly told to cheer up, his/her negative moods will
actually increase. They are not being negative on purpose, it is just their
personality. When parents try to change a child's personality, the child
feels unloved. Without understanding why, the child knows he or she is not
loved as they are and they become even more unhappy. By accepting a child's
personality, we can look for ways to subdue the negativity. With patience
and tolerance, a negative child can seem almost neutral.
Step Two: Don't try to talk a negative child into feeling good.
Give up trying to make them happy. It is a waste of time and gives the
child attention for being negative. The negativism will actually increase!
Step Three: Avoid giving undue attention when the child is being
negative.
The negativism will increase! The negative behavior can become a tool for
manipulation accidently. The child learns how to use this natural response
to manipulate others.
Step Four: Listen to the complaints... up to a point.
When the negative child needs to complain (express very real feelings),
listen, ...but put a time limit listening in order to protect one's sanity.
Step Five: Change the topic.
When the lists of complaints gets too long, ask the complainer to think
of one thing that was good. Sometimes, they may actually be able to think of
1 thing. Or change to a different topic the child likes to talk about with a
well-placed question.
Step Six: Focus on the enjoyable traits.
A child's negative moods are not the total of his personality. Remember
the other things that are likable. Look for the positive traits in negative
children and keep those in mind when dealing with their responses to life.
Step Seven: Spend time away from the negative child.
Negative people do not make good companions for people with a happier
outlook on life. Spend time with positive people in order to tolerate the
negativity. Limit the amount of time spent together in order to maintain
patience and perspective.
On a special note: Please consider the possibility of long-term,
biologically-induced depression, especially if mood disorders run in the
family. This is genetic and responds to medication. Have a competent child
psychiatrist evaluate this child.
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information see Childhood
Depression
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