Dear Reader,

For thirteen years, I wrote a weekly parenting column for The Bryan Eagle in Bryan, Texas. I did a lot of things I never expected to do after the arrival of my second child in 1978. Even though I had a degree in elementary education (B.S.), teaching experience, a degree in educational psychology (M.A.), and counseling experience, I was not prepared for a child like Chuck. We knew he was different at birth. His older sister Erin (by 2 years), had been so easy. I thought I really was good at this parenting game. Chuck proved how little I really knew

Fortunately, I had an introduction to the concept of difficult children back in graduate school at The University of Nebraska. I found it interesting. When Chuck was two and absolutely impossible (meaning nothing I did worked), I went back to my notes and reread the studies on "temperament." The researchers were describing our son. Instead of trying to change him, we tried to accept his personality as unique and learned to deal with the way he reacted in stressful situations. Since he was remarkably like my cousin, I didn't expect to change him. We just wanted to be able to live with him!

I became a Mothers' Group Leader in a special school for two year olds and their moms. I started doing workshops for other parents who were trying to live with difficult children. From those experiences, I was asked to do a weekly parenting column. Always, I wrote from experience and need. Chuck made me learn more parenting skills than I would have chosen to learn.

Eventually I went back to teaching and I found that I was a much better teacher because I understood that children had very different needs based on their unique way of relating to the world. Meeting those needs enabled all students to learn in an atmosphere without problem behaviors. From that experience, I began doing workshops for teachers on dealing with students with difficult personalities. Always the emphasis was on accomodating differences instead of trying to model perfect students.

In the meantime, Chuck had more and more difficulties. Not until October of 1995 did we learn the extent of his differences. He had lived with a mood disorder (mixed states bipolar) and undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder. Without hyperactivity, Chuck had successfully covered up his school problems in the early years and not until junior high and high school did the situation become impossible for him to bear. How could a teacher miss ADD in her own child? No one else found it either! We were habituated to his ADDness. Not until I read Hallowell's twenty characteristics of Adult ADD on the Net did I see "Chuck."

Thanks to Dr. Ivan Goldberg's direction, we found Dr. Paul Wender at The University of Utah Medical Research Center. Dr. Wender confirmed Chuck's initial diagnosis of Bipolar and said, "Chuck, you are ADD. The problem is in your genes." To us he said, "Who told you it was not your fault?"

We had always known that Chuck was Chuck and that the world was difficult for him. Our job had been to keep him together and survive. I always knew he couldn't help the way he was or how he initially reacted to life's stresses (and most things were stressful for him). I tried to see things from his perspective and according to Wender, we created a "prosthetic environment" for Chuck. Not until adolescence did he fall apart. Chuck felt that something was wrong and no one was helping him.

As we were looking for answers, professionals often asked," Has he ever run away?" I thought, NO, but sometimes I wish he would! When he was three he said, "Mommy, I love you so much I'm going to stay with you forever." We considered it a threat.

Fourteen years later, as we found the right diagnoses and the right medications, Chuck began to drop the behaviors and attitudes over which he had no control and the real Chuck emerged. We were all disappointed that so many years were wasted. Chuck says that ADD stole his childhood. He is right. We did try tp accomodate him, even though he felt like he never had a good day. The whole family was involved. Always at issue was his psychological survival and we tried to respect that. Chuck thought that we were being difficult, he was just being himself. From his point of view, that was true.

Many future problems are caused by life rubbing a kid the wrong way. We still work at rubbing Chuck the right way. Chuck and the cat have a lot in common! If I can share some of the things I learned that helped us parent a difficult child, maybe other parents with ADD or other special needs kids will find something of use to them. In the end, I hope the experience we are living will help other children "have a good day."

Sincerely,
Elaine Gibson

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