Handling Sibling Rivalry

Simple Parenting Techniques That Work

1.  When the rivalry progresses to excessive physical or verbal violence OR when the number incidents of rivalry seem excessive, take action.  (Action does speak louder than words).  Talk with your children about what is going on.  Provide suggestions on how they can handle the situation when it occurs such as:

• Ignoring the teasing.
• Kidding back in a way that is humorous.
• Simply agreeing (in a kidding way) that whatever the teaser is saying is true.
• Telling the teaser that enough is enough.
• When these measures aren't working ask the person in charge (parent, baby sitter) for help.

2.  When the above does not work, introduce a family plan to help with the situation that provides negative and positive consequences for all concerned such as:

• When there is any fighting or shouting, all involved will have a consequence such as a time out or writing sentences ("I will play nicely with my brother).
  
• However, when we can go the whole day or afternoon or evening (whatever makes sense for your situation), then everyone will earn a privilege such as (1) you can have a snack, (2) I will read you a story, (3) we will all play a game together, (4) I will play outside with you (catch, etc) or (5) you can stay up later.  (Note that several of these provide parental attention for appropriate behavior).

3.  Develop a system for evenly distributing coveted privileges.  In other words, a system for taking turns for such things as:

• Who gets to ride "shot gun" in the car. (It's amazing how many teenagers and young adult siblings still make this an important issue).
• Who gets to push the button in the elevator;
• Who gets to chose where to go to eat lunch or dinner,
• Who gets to chose the television show,
• Who does the dishes or takes out the trash (rotate on a weekly or monthly basis)

For more parenting techniques visit Parenting 101.  For help in improving your ability to cope with the rigors of parenting we suggest Stress Management For Parents.

Yes, siblings ran create certain stresses but if they are overcome successfully, they will give your children resources that will serve them well later in life. Siblings learn how to share, how to come face to face with jealousy, and how to accept their individual strengths and weaknesses.

Best of all. as they watch you handle sibling rivalry with equanimity and fairness, they will be pining knowledge that will be valuable when they, too, become parents.

Useful Books on Sibling Rivalry

Siblings Without Rivalry : How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too (an excellent resource for parents)

I'd Rather Have an Iguana (for children 4-6 having to cope with a new baby in the family)

Birth Order Blues : How Parents Can Help Their Children Meet the Challenges of Birth Order (The author raises parents' awareness of the impact of birth order upon children and suggests ways to resolve or circumvent potential problems relating to birth order issues).

Brothers and Sisters : Born to Bicker? (Teen Issues) (An intriguing entry in the Teen Issues series focuses on the interaction between brothers and sisters: ``The sibling relationship has much to do with how we feel about ourselves, as well as how we relate to others throughout our lives.")

Other Helpful Resources

When children feel good about themselves, it is easier for them to get along with others.  For a boost of self-esteem, have your children listen to Self-Image For Children or Successful Teens. For suggestions on how to build self-esteem in your children we suggest the video, Building Your Child's Self-Esteem.

Finally, sometimes the attitude and coping ability of parents can be a major part of the problem.  These two tapes have been found to be very helpful: Being An Effective Happy Parent and Anger Control.  You may also want to consider reading When Anger Hurts Your Kids.

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