Helping Your Child
Develop Self-Esteem

Teach your child to practice making positive self-statements.

Self-talk is very important in everything we do.  Psychologists have found that negative self-talk is behind depression and anxiety. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave.  Therefore, it is important to teach children to be positive about how they "talk to themselves."  Some examples of useful self-talk are: "I can get this problem, if I just keep trying."  "It's OK if our team lost today.  We all tried our best and you can't win them all."  "It makes me feel good to help others even if the person doesn't notice or thank me."  Your child can become an expert at this by listening to Self-Image For Children or Successful Teens.  These tapes combine relaxation techniques along with positive self-statements and mental pictures to help kids and teens develop their self-esteem.

Avoid criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame. 

 Sometimes it is necessary to criticize a child's actions, and it is appropriate that parents do so.   When, however the criticism is directed to the child as a person it can easily deteriorate into ridicule or shame.  It is important to learn to use "I statements" rather than "You statements" when giving criticism.  For instance say, "I would like you to keep your clothes in the proper place in your closet or drawers not lying all over your room;" rather than saying "Why are you such a lazy slob?   Can't you take care of anything?"  Please refer to our page, Guidelines for Good Communication With Children   for more suggestions.   For detailed suggestions on how to get children to act responsibly while achieving a good parent/child relationship, check out Kid Cooperation.

Teach your child about decision-making and to recognize when he has made a good decision.   

Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so.  There are a number of ways parents can help children improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions. Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so.  There are a number of ways parents can help children improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions.

1. Help the child clarify the problem that is creating the need for a decision.  Ask him questions that pinpoint how he sees, hears, and feels about a situation and what may need to be changed.
2. Brainstorm the possible solutions.  Usually there is more than one solution or choice to a given dilemma, and the parent can make an important contribution by pointing out this fact and by suggesting alternatives if the child has none.
3. Allow the child to choose one of the solutions only after fully considering the consequences.  The best solution will be one that solves the problem and simultaneously makes the child feel good about himself.
4. Later join the child in evaluating the results of that particular solution.  Did it work out well?  Or did it fail?  if so, why?   Reviewing the tactics will equip the child to make a better decision the next time around.

Develop a positive approach to providing structure for your child.  

All kids and teens need to accept responsibility for their behavior.  They should learn self-discipline.  To help children learn self-discipline, the parent needs to adopt the role of coach/teacher rather than that of disciplinarian and punisher.  Learn the "Three Fs" of positive parenting.  (Discipline should be fair, firm and friendly).  You can learn the basics on positive parenting by clicking to Parenting 101.  Another useful resource is the 45 minute video, Building Your Child's Self-Esteem.

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