Life with bipolar disorder: An online diary Part 9

3.4.00

It's 2:00 AM now and I'm awake. My mind is full of stuff so I toughed I'll try writing some of it down - maybe get some peace and be able to fall asleep.

I guess I feel tense. I'm not really sure why. I'm doing just fine (aside from the sleep thing, but that's normal). Maybe this is the problem? I'm not really sure if I can put this into words but I'll try. I am fine, been fine for some time now - this isn't normal !!!!

I know I should be happy about it and don't get me wrong - I am - very much. but I guess I still feel tense. The waiting it killing me, you see. Sometimes, I just wish the cycle would start already. Not because I want it or miss it, I just can't go around waiting for the other shoe to fall. I need to hear the bang already. That's why I started my bipolar medications again. I was hoping this feeling would go away once I start taking them. Its hasn't. Maybe this is why I've been playing around with my bipolar medications lately. (I forget to take them more times than I actually remember)

I feel like I'm going in circles all the time. I take 3 steps forward only to end at the same spot I started in. I get normal - accomplish things and then go down and loose it all and then start again - and again - and again, only on every turn the circle gets smaller. I let go of things I had before. I give up on more-and-more things, till at the end, there'll be nothing left.

Love, for example. I haven't been romantically involved in over 2 years now. Not because I don't want to or can't, I have been in relationships before. Not anymore. I gave up on it. I am alone and I will stay that way. I guess all of you who share my illness have battled that question one time or another -

"How do I let him/her know and how will he/she react?" Sorry people - if you want an answer - I have none. I'm still looking for the answer myself. As I see it, there aren't a lot of solutions:

1. not tell (then try to work out some lie about the meds)
2. tell him upfront ("by the way, before we go out, you should know I'm a mental case - you don't mind do u?")
3. tell him later (than you'll get the "you should have trusted me speech and the boot)
4. ????????
5. forget about the whole thing

Until I find out what option 4 is - I'm staying home !!!!!! This isn't the only thing I've lost along the way - there are others.

Anyway, what I was getting at is that this normal mood thing is too good to be true and I'm afraid I'll have to pay for it - dearly. The more I have now, the more I have to lose and I might as well lose it now before I get too used to it !

Trillian

Our business in this world is not to succeed,
but to continue to fail in good spirits.
~ Robert Louis Stevenson ~

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