Reflections On
Taking Medication

Looking back after a year of trying to stabilize.

I started going to a psychiatrist and a few months after that I was diagnosed as bp. I don't have very high highs or low lows, not compared to what I've seen on any e-mail list, but I am a rapid cycler with about a two week cycle between high and low. This is very disruptive in everyday life and trying to cope with the disruptions is much of what I have to do.

I often feel that every two weeks I have to start my live all over from scratch, apologizing to everyone for the things I didn't do when I was depressed. Often this feeling of failure is worse than being depressed.

I've been on Tegretol (carbamazepine) from about a year now and started up Lithium about 5 months ago. I won't pretend to be heroic. Life after diagnosis and medication is not all fun and games. There isn't no easy cure, I don't necessarily like what the drugs do to me and, like you say, the questions of identity and being normal/bipolar get very confusing. Very.

If you have just started medications for bipolar disorder, the medication will do two things. First the physical side effects are going to have you feeling very odd. You may or may not cope with this well, but generally you can recognize that it is a side effect. YOU decide if you want to live with it (and with Lithium and Tegretol, the side effects may diminish after 2-3 weeks). If not ask your psych to change the medication or the dosage. Dosage often makes a substantial difference.

With the medication, you'll feel different and often better and saner, but it won't feel like "you." I don't mean that that your personality will change or anything so dramatic. But there is a subtle change - more like the subtle way a pair of jeans feels different just after they have just been washed.

This is a scary though, because it is happening to you and you have never felt this way before. Talk to people about what you feel happening and how you feel. Even now, just talking to people often makes me feel better and makes me understand how I am feeling and why. Talk to your husband, your psych, your close friends, on the net, wherever. Just talk.

It will not help that the first dosage of medication you are put on will probably not be the ideal dosage and you will need to change it. Expect that for the first month or five you'll be living in a slightly crazy world as you try to harmonize your current bipolar view of the world with the saner but still not perfect view of the world you will have while on medication.

Ask your husband (spouse, parents, lover, children, friends) to be supportive. The good part of the medication is that the really stupid things that are currently happening in your life should stop even as you learn to live with the medication. And as the medication kicks in, some control (remember what that is?) will begin to reappear in your life.

The worst period about taking medication was just after I found out I was bipolar. I expected things to get better soon, but it didn’t. It's been nearly a year and the medication combination isn't right yet. During all this time my moods have been all over the place. Some days I was fine, and some days I was terrified of what was going on with me.

Remember though, you are supposed to be feeling better overall. Your psych would have told you that not all the drugs work on all people, and they work to different degrees. If you are not feeling better overall, let your psych know immediately. Expect to call him/her often for the few weeks after you start up medication and do it without guilt. That is what (s)he is there for.

The second effect is really a question about the medication - "Well...how do I know the medication is working?" The answer is there is no answer. Which is really frustrating since you at least want to know how you should be feeling to benchmark if the medication is working. Alas, no such luck.

When I started taking medication, I spent quite a lot of time asking myself - "Is how I'm feeling now normal?" Is this sensation what normality feels like?" I couldn't tell because I had never felt like that before and I wasn't sure if it was a side effect of the medication, or normality, or just another version of being crazy.

After one year, I still cannot determine whether I am normal or nor normal. I have however changed my concept of what the medication (Tegretol) does for me. I don't use it to feel normal. I use it to prevent the worst of the cycling from happening. Then I fight my way back into an lifestyle that is is acceptable to me and those around me.

If I am reasonably satisfied with how I feel and what I am doing and the people around me are fine with who I am, then I'm normal. No matter how eclectic my lifestyle is - and it is still pretty strange. At present, everyone thinks I work well, even though I still cycle up and down enough for my productivity to follow a cyclical pattern. And I have a lover who knows that I am bp and rides the ups and downs with me. I'm not doing brilliantly, as I wish to be doing, but I'm doing pretty well and for the moment that is quite enough.