Boundary Violations (against me or my children)

• Violence
• Rage
• Coercion
• Shaming or abusive language used with the intent to humiliate
• Forced helping (trying to fix) without permission
• Giving feedback without asking permission to do so
• Someone demanding me or my children to meet their needs (examples: forced fed, forced scholastic achievement, forced sex, forced compliance, forced intimacy).
• Excessive probing
• Invading my privacy or the privacy of my children without permission.
• Taking my inventory or an inventory of my children (as an attack) without permission.
• Projection (as a type of attack or loading onto the listener).
• Anyone doing the "victim" role from a victimstance to cast guilt or shame on me or my children as a way to control, injure, or vent.

When I recognize one of these destructive control behaviors in use, I set a boundary to protect myself and my children. Addict parents or other addicts in general will continue to use me until I've mastered boundary setting. I accept the times I am unable to set a boundary. I accept the time it takes to practice.

Two , three, and four-year-old children are usually great teaching resources for setting boundaries. When a child in this age group is touched in an uncomfortable way by another child or adult, they usually respond almost immediately with, "Don't!" or "No!" They'll even hit back in a way to say, "Stop what you are doing!" And if someone removes something that they consider to be theirs, they let that person know that a boundary violation has occurred by hitting, crying, spitting, biting, sticking their tongue out, etc. Boundary-less addict parents or other adults will inadvertently train or socialize this natural and intuitive boundary setting skill out of a child in order to get their own needs met (not the child's needs). In this way they are unknowingly using the child as a drug to "feel better." When I need to remind myself of the natural and intuitive boundary setting response available to me, I can observe young children socializing together.

In situations were the boundary is an emotional or spiritual requirement, I imagine a thick pool of water surrounding my being entirely. The water whirls about me in an un-ending spin. As words (or hostile/disapproving body language) that are un-kind, or loaded with bad energy, hit the outer borders of the water, they are swept out to the waters edge and then spun out into the universe (like setting a golf ball on a spinning record, it is thrown out to the outside of the record and does not stay in the middle). The words are thrown clear of ever reaching the thought processes of my mind. Any words that might get through are also returned to the water to be thrown out into the universe or can be batted with a baseball bat back out to the universe. It takes practice to visualize either of these ideas, but is possible with time.

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