Stormy weather ahead (I)

What will Sam's life be like? Sam's parent is addicted to Sam. Unfortunately, Sam's life will be similar in many respects to the life role of booze. By that I mean to say, Sam will be trained to become an object of an addiction. And, Sam as an object of addiction, will be used in the same way as the booze but not as easily identifiable. It is easy to see booze being used (consumed). It is not so easy to see Sam being used.

When Sam's addict parent feels bad they will be compelled to do something to alter those feelings. And in the same interdependent way as with the booze they will use Sam to alter those feelings.

"Many mothers or other parent figures are mentally and emotionally impoverished. A likely reason is that their needs were not met as infants, children and/ or adults. They are thus so in need that they tend to use others in an unhealthy and inappropriate way to get these needs met. Anyone in their immediate environment, anyone close to or near them, including infants and children, will be unconsciously used (Miller, 1983)." (Whitfield, Healing The Child Within 23).

Addicts are said to abuse alcohol and drugs. Sam will also be abused. Like a bottle of booze waiting in the liquor cabinet, Sam will wait. Booze is forgotten about until it's needed and Sam will be forgotten about until he or she is needed. If booze becomes difficult to use it is discarded. When Sam becomes difficult to use he or she will be discarded. Sam will learn how to function as an inanimate object similar to a bottle of booze. This will be Sam's acceptable role in his or her family. It will be a lonely role filled with pain, grief, anger, and rage over being used similar to a bottle of booze.

Keep in mind that Sam's addict parent is not an evil doer. An addict cannot consciously see the addiction they are engaged in. They engage in the behavior because they are terrified of "feeling bad." This terror stems from being trained as objects of addiction themselves as children. And objects of addiction lack the basic developmental coping skills for feeling bad; these coping skills for "feeling bad" were never allowed to develop. This lack of coping skill creates an overwhelming sense of terror when strong feelings occur. This is the developmental stigma of being trained as an object of addiction. And unfortunately an addict will continue to pass this training onto their children or the next generation in their family. The cycle will continue from generation to generation until an unexpected event occurs to interrupt the cycle.

In order to keep Sam functioning as an inanimate object of addiction in the family, Sam's addict parent or parents will have to use some kind of control. For the addict, control is equated to compliance and compliance is equated to no frustration. No frustration (or conflict) is equated to security and security equates to happy addict. As a result of this sociophysiological phenomenon, nothing is more important to an addict than satisfying their interdependent need to maintain a sense of security. Their object of addiction is important only as long as it accommodates the addict's need to feel secure. The control techniques or behaviors used by the addict parent to keep their objects of addiction functioning effectively in this interdependent relationship are called "The Addictive Pull." The addictive pull is comprised of all the necessary control behaviors, or "destructive control behaviors," used by the addict to keep an object of addiction functioning like a drug.

In chapter three of his book, Adult Children of Abusive Parents, Steven Farmer writes that children unconsciously make decisions about life, themselves, and other people based on experiences in childhood. Conclusions based on these experiences then become fixed belief systems that are then used to operate throughout life. When children endure trauma or deprivation, they draw conclusions in varying degrees as to their survival. (Farmer 49-56). Respect for a parent becomes distorted into respect out of terror and not out of trust. These belief systems become psychologically and physiologically ingrained as "Being afraid not to." This means that the belief system is so enmeshed with survival that children raised with the addict parent's use of destructive control behaviors will experience emotional or physical trauma when they detour from operating in life other than in adherence to an old belief system. Freedom to choose is destroyed. Destructive control behaviors, among other things, destroy choice of free will and choice to examine or discriminate. The child unconsciously begins to make choices based on blind terror, instead of what might be more healthy and life enhancing at the time. A deer frozen with an indecision of terror verses survival, in the path of an oncoming car's headlights late at night, is an example of blind terror (blinded to survival out of terror).

Destructive Control Behaviors

• Violence and Rage
• Coercion (the threat of violence, death, and rage)
• Doomsayer
• Playing the victim
• Shaming and abusive language
• Neglect and abandonment
• Talking to keep distance
• Disapproval, dirty looks, and sarcasm (as discounting)
• Perfectionism
• Control as competition
• Approval seeking or fishing for acceptance
• False caring
• Offering unauthentic approval for some gain
• Gifts or money offered for some gain
• Offering anything for gain (of some hidden goal)
• When helping isn't helping
• Excessive probing or lack of privacy
• Projection

It's important to acknowledge that all destructive control behaviors attack self esteem and cause a decay or an erosion of self worth. In understanding this, a person may begin to develop new thought patterns as a skill to protect self worth (in themselves and in other people). The use of destructive control behaviors is so prevalent in our current society that the recognition of them may be invaluable even if you were not raised in an addictive relationship with a parent. The behaviors will become easy to spot when they are understood and therefore become easier to detach from. Television and movie dramas may offer many opportunities to practice observing different destructive control behaviors; especially the use of playing the victim, doomsayer, inventory taking (excessive probing or lack of privacy), and projection. Using the list here, compare the behaviors modeled by the actors with the corresponding behavior described in this guide. Remember, that we are not judging the actors or their performances. We are only interested in practice observations as a way to learn the art of detachment.

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