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Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation

One of the tragedies of narcissistic abuse is that victims never get the validation so desperately needed from their abuser(s), to help them recover from narcissistic abuse.

When a Healthy Person Hurts Someone

When healthy-minded people hurt someone, whether deliberate or not, or whether they agree with an alternate account of what happened or not, it is their validation of the other person’s perspective that allows the other person to recover. And it is that validation that allows the relationship to repair.

When a Narcissist Abuses Others

That never happens with narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), by nature, blinds the abusers to their responsibility for the devastation they cause. When confronted with the casualties of their behavior, they always believe that they are the ones being victimized.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Victims of NPD abuse are met with rejection, judgment, dismissal and disproportionate rage at any mention of wrongdoing by the perpetrator. NPD abusers infamously tell their victims to “stop living in the past” or to “get over it already,” even though they remember everything their victims ever did or said and will use these things to hurt them over and over again.

It is very difficult for any of us, narcissistically abused or otherwise, to move forward from any type of assault or tragedy when our feelings and emotions are so adamantly discounted. It is especially trying for NPD abuse victims who have suffered constant devaluation and “gas lighting” (invalidation) of their perception of reality.

How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse without Validation

Healing and moving on from pathological narcissistic abuse requires immense inner strength, the very strength that narcissists systematically try to strip from their victims. Survivors must rebuild what they’ve lost, or create what was never created in the first place. That is not an easy feat, but it is an attainable goal; something that must be done for personal sanity and peace of mind.

It doesn’t seem fair. Survivors must do all the work; they need extensive counseling, must stay dignified under the pressure of unfair judgment, must take actions that feel contrary to their natural behavior or inclinations, and must accept the reality that they will never make sense out of the irrational behavior exhibited by their narcissistic abuser.

Survivors have the right to live their lives unencumbered by the abuse of their past. They have the right to live happy lives, despite the malevolent intent of narcissistic abusers that wish them otherwise. And they have the right to do whatever is needed to protect themselves from abusive relationships. Saying “yes” to happiness means saying “no” to toxic relationships.

If you are suffering from narcissistic personality disorder abuse, do not waste another day in pain and feeling powerless. Seek professional help with someone who has lived and fully understands this confusing disorder. Decide to take your power back today.

This article was written by:

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Randi Fine is a narcissistic personality disorder abuse expert, radio show host of A Fine Time for Healing, author, and life issues counselor practicing by telephone worldwide. She resides in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Find Randi on Facebook and on her website.

To be a guest author on the Your Mental Health Blog, go here.

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74 Responses to Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation

  1. M says:

    No one understands the pain of a narcissistic relationship unless you have experienced the hurt first hand. The road to recovery is a road few victims travel. The first step is to want to feel better. From there dedicate yourself to change. Meaning picking up moving forward, and letting go of what has happened. Also, it is important to realize you cannot make a narcissist change or help them realize the pain they cause. Take the lid of life and choose to live again.

  2. Glenda says:

    I was married to a good looking, charming, quietly spoken, adventure seeking, sophisticated narcissist who was a farmer. Everyone we knew thought he was a great guy and I, who bore the responsibility of raising a family of four children alone because there was no emotional support from him, was considered the tougher one in the family.
    I didn’t realise I was holding myself together because there was nothing in the marriage for me. Looking back I can see he didn’t do anything to support me, mentally, emotionally, lovingly. There was no ‘feeling’ coming from him. I just didn’t see it at the time.

    My mind was so screwed up by the time we separated after 26 years of marriage that I had no idea I needed help. I simply thought I was defective….an unlovable, inadequate woman.
    Other people connected. Other people could make sense of things and make decisions where I couldn’t. I was sure I was lacking in many ways yet I’d been a teacher. I’d worked as a counsellor with farmers leaving the land in the 1980′s when bank interest sent wonderful farmers broke and to suicide. I’d set up my own clothing manufacturing business, sub-contracting local sewers. I’d later returned to study in massage, reiki, myofascial and craniosacral work and opened my own clinic. I’d learnt to drive a semi-trailer and carted our grain in a truck that’s take 25 tonne at a time. I’d raised 4 intelligent, capable young adults.
    But I was convinced there was something wrong with me. He was always right. He managed to get everything he wanted in life and I couldn’t. I was forever compromising to keep the peace. When I eventually had had enough of his games, I stood up and attempted to prove him wrong one day. An almighty belt across the head changed my mind fairly quickly.

    When we separated, 12 years ago….yes, I’m talking 38 years here…..I felt an enormous sense of relief. There was no way I could have explained why I felt this relief. I just suddenly felt light.
    However, every organ in my body started to tremble. Fear would grip me at inopportune times. By 3.00 – 4.00pm I couldn’t stand up. I’d collapse to the floor and fall asleep. I’d stay there until someone, somewhere, put me to bed. My body trembled like this for years. 8 years in fact. I thought it was the stress of being kept in the court system which I couldn’t make head nor tail of and had a lawyer who took advantage of that.

    When I was with my eldest son, the trembling would disable me. I couldn’t think. I’d stay stupid things. I couldn’t connect. The same happened with my other three children but not as severely. The children just thought Mum had lost the plot and kept their distance.
    Socialising with Dad was easier because everything was alway fun, adventurous and of course, he had money to gain their attention.

    I sought medical help. Doctors prescribed anti-depressants….useless.
    Counsellors didn’t have any idea what was wrong. They told me I was insecure, jealous, bored. ‘Go back and study and get another degree’.
    I lived in the outback and not only had no concept of what was available for people in my position but even if I was in awareness, services weren’t available without me travelling over 1,000km round trip to gain access to help….each appointment.

    A few months ago, someone led me to a book, “You’re not going mad, it’s your mother’.
    Then I found Ross Rosenberg on youtube and many others. I read, ‘Manipulated’ by Ross Rosenberg and ‘Escape: How to beat the Narcissist’.

    For the first time in my life, I can now SEE. For the first time in 12 years the trembling has stopped. I feel centred and strong because I now understand, I lived with a very covert narcissist. I was, without a doubt, a perfect victim.

    I can see my children, who are now parents themselves, have narcissistic ‘fleas’…traits of their father, especially in the ways in which they treat me.

    I’ve had the good fortune to meet another victim of a psychopathic mother. We’ve talked for hours supporting and learning together by phone. She found a counsellor who was a victim of a narcissistic father. What relief!! Here’s a professional who totally understands every word I say!

    Unfortunately, I’m left in a situation where I know none of my feelings or experiences will be validated by my family. They simply don’t understand. How could they? They were raised in a narcissistic environment and to them this is ‘normal.’

    I have four children, six grand children. My relationships with them are virtually gone because I am strong until in their company. Their Dad is ‘ love-bombing’ them in ways he would never have thought of when they were little. Trips…all expenses paid…to overseas countries for his girlfriend’s birthday. Financial support that denied them when they were studying…we fought often over this as he felt they were taking his money. ‘What’s in it for me?’ he’d say. Now, there’s no expense spared.

    So he has a wonderful life. He has the children at his feet and he has no remorse.
    For me….I have lost my children and grandchildren; an intense pain only a parent understands. I am alone, without validation and trying to move on.

    If anyone on this site has similar experiences with their children I’d love to hear from you. Any help to regain a relationship of sorts would be greatly appreciated.
    My email address is glendalea@hotmail.com

  3. Joanna says:

    I am so sorry for us all. I am 4 months out of a 12 year relationship with my NPD. After staying out late for 2 weeks, he walked in and told me he was unhappy and was not in love anymore. For the first 3 months, I had no idea what happened. All I could do was cry and subject myself to more of his cruel, harsh discard. He tried to intentionally inflict more pain on me. He had a woman at our house (that I paid the house payment and the bills for) after I moved out and he timed it so I would see her there. I sent a birthday card to his son who was living with us at the time, and they returned the card to me in the mail. I have not seen him until this weekend, which was a huge mistake on my part. I went to a place where I knew he would be. He just stared at me, full of loathing and contempt. I will never do that again. I just had not seen him in 3 months and felt that urge. I strongly believe we must follow no contact. I am still so anxious, sad and cry often. He dominates my thoughts and my dreams. I did not know anything could be so painful. But I am having some decent days and think I am improving. I have a great therapist who led me to the knowledge of what and who he is, and for that I am grateful. Peace, love and healing to us all.

  4. Torz says:

    I think I’m going crazy. I’ve been with my N for 3 years, emotionally,verbally and physically abusive. We had our last “episode” 2 days ago and he left to stay at a friends place who is away. The first day he was sending me cruel and abusive messages. The next morning they turned to “concerned” messages. I finally replied and we had a text conversation and finally I told him I was at the doctors. He said not to let the doctor “get into my head”. Today he turned up and we talked. He warned me people might say they saw him with another woman but spun a ridiculous story as to why. He then left and took my cigarettes with him, so I messaged to tell him. We texted for a while and he said he was going out in town tonight with friends but he kept texting. Then he didn’t read my last text for 3 hours, read it and didn’t reply. I sat going crazy for a whe and eventually went to the place he is staying because I had a feeling he wasn’t actually out. The lights were on and I saw his jacket but not him. I felt disgusted at myself for spying on him. He treats me so badly so why did I stalk him? What is wrong with me?

  5. TG says:

    KC,
    I read your story, and I like I wrote that.
    I think that is worst narc abuse is from mother (and/or father), because it is started when you are little child, when you growing and most in need for understanding and love.
    Everiting you talked about, I strugle too.
    It is very dificult for people who never abused WHOLE THEIR LIFE, FROM BIRTH, to understand what it is, and how it is paintfull damage from that kind of ABUSE.
    If you met your abuser later in your life, it is different than it is your own mother, whome you trusted when you was little, and who constantly and cause you emotional pain. And you formed emotionaly beaten and damaged. And all you want is just to somebody love you,becouse you never have that in your experience while you growing up, and you didant know that you dont have that love.

  6. Sarah says:

    I’m so glad I can seek help from here before my first session with a professional. I’ve been in a relationship with an NPD guy for almost 3 years now. For the first 2 years, he was an addict, struggling for life. After a lot of my insistence, he agreed to see a psychologist. Turned out he had Clinical Depression. He was medicated for that and psychotherapy was on going. He changed as the psychotherapy progressed, and in a good way. I was given space to breathe. I stayed in the relationship because I loved him dearly. I didn’t want to abandon him when he was at his lowest. And he did notice my efforts through it all. I won’t say I was not affected by it but I definitely didn’t think it would come up to this point. Now he’s 8 months clean, doing great at college, while we are in a long distance relationship (12-13 hour time difference) and receiving psychotherapy.
    His psychologist diagnosed him with NPD traits and he informed me. I tried to work things out with him but seems like his behavior is only going downhill now. He says petty things, accuses me of petty stuff and thinks that I still believe he’s the old addicted self. He conveniently puts the blame on me if we are in a fight, says shit to me, interrupts me when I’m speaking but has the audacity to say shut up when he’s speaking and I intrude. Apparently, my boundaries are my ego acting up. I’m usually the one apologizing for something that I don’t think I’m wrong in.
    Other than that, he puts the blame on me for not working things out with him and hindering his recovery. And has the nerve to say he’s done with this relationship when I express my emotions about something he did. He turns everything to himself, how HE had a tough life and tough childhood. It becomes so difficult for me to even talk to him properly because I feel on the edge all the time. And then he has the nerve to take advantage of my vulnerability and make fun of it while I’m crying because it’s so hard. I don’t know how to break up with him. I did a few months ago but then I thought I had mistaken him and should try harder to understand him and empathize with him. This only resulted in worsening of my condition. I feel really helpless and don’t know how to break up.

    I feel bad for walking out on him even though I know this is what I should do. It’s so hard because I’ve lost all my boundaries and I’m just not someone who would give up on people and especially my significant other. Please help me out with this while I wait for my day with the shrink to come. If only things could work out between us, or there was a way of healing him, I would never consider breaking up.

  7. Kim says:

    First of all, I want to thank each and everyone of you for posting. You were chosen because you are awesome, beautiful, smart, savvy, funny, curious, caring, empathetic, successful and the list goes on. Oh, they are so jealous of you. I’m still recovering from narcissistic abuse. However, please believe in yourself that you have the strength to move forward. Please be kind and patient with yourself. You deserve kindness, understanding and most of all, love. I pray for all that have been abused and that you get closure within you own heart. Most of you will not get closure from you ex and they are counting on this.

  8. ELIZABETH says:

    I WAS IN A MARRIAGE WHERE MY EX CHEATED LIE AND MANIPULATED ME NOW HE IS WITH A 48 YR OLD LADY HE DOESNT HARRAS ME BUT SHE DOES AND CANT LEAVE ME ALONE. I CANT ANYMORE

  9. ELIZABETH says:

    IM FEELING I CANT GO ON IM TIRED FIGHTING TIRED OF RUNNING AWAY CAUSE THEY WONT LEAVE ME ALONE. ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE TROUBLE MAKE ME BAD AND THREATEN ME

  10. Lynn says:

    I was up all night reading everyone’s post. Thank each & everyone so much. I knew something wasn’t quite right with my husband of 17 years. I finally figured it out and I almost feel relieved because he had me thinking I was the issue or I was plain crazy & abusive. He is textbook covert narcissist!! I have decided I am divorcing him and not looking back. The very sight of him makes me sick and I am almost certain he is cheating, but it feels so freeing not to care anymore. After two bankruptcies, verbal abuse & his outburst everyday I am ready for a new life. The part I am struggling with is beating myself up for putting up with him so long. I was so miserable & was getting nothing in return from him. My next steps are to get counseling for me & my two boys. I worry about them more than myself because I will be ok but he is their father. I feel I failed them in the father category and never wanted that for them. I know I have to forgive myself for staying way too long. At the time, I wanted my boys to have the dad I didn’t…my goal was to stop the vicious cycle of single moms with fatherless boys. I know I have to leave because I find myself verbally abusing him…calling him out on his sneaky ways which is ineffective and a waste of time. The less I communicate with him the better. The hard part will be getting him to leave me alone once the divorce is finalized. I hate to put this on anyone but I hope he moves on to his next supplier real soon. I am done! I want my peace back!!

  11. Kulungile says:

    He discarded me in a coldest manner. He never hoovered, he never begged he never gave explanatin. He just went dead quiet as if i never existed. He dissapeared out of thin air, like he is no where. We live a street apart but he just never show up in my experience. Given the stares im getting I know he is talking about me but no body ever came forward and told me what he says and this kills me. I never get a chance to correct the lies.

  12. AnnaMae says:

    SamGabor,

    The advice in groups like AA is to consider whether or not making amends will hurt the other person. If someone has decided upon no contact, trying to contact them is dishonoring that person’s boundaries. Therefore, the best thing you can do is honor their wishes. It my feel helpless to you, but respecting others’ wishes is the best thing you can do for them.

  13. Kim says:

    It took me a few times to get it right with no contact. I ignored his attempts at trying to contact me, but I had not blocked him completely. I finally contacted my phone carrier and had his texts and voicemail’s blocked from ever reaching me. It was a relief knowing that when I heard my phone that it wouldn’t be him. It felt sad at the time, but it was also a release and I was able to start healing. I looked up a list of good and bad attributes and felt really good about me and realized that he pretty much didn’t have much to offer. Why did I fall for him? Well, these people have a laser beam sense for recognizing something awesome when they see it and they go for it. They are great pretenders. They will make you fall in love with them and when they think you are totally hooked, they will rip the rug out from under you. After all, they can’t play this game forever. Sick and shallow people is the only way to describe them.

  14. beth says:

    you say get professional help? the narcissist left me with nothing, threw me away and made me sick and suicidal. how can i afford help? you say get help? no one can afford help!!! i CAN BARELY FUNCTION AND HAVE NO MONEY, I CANT EVEN WORK, ALL I WANT IS TO DIE AND YOU SAY GET HELP????????????? HOW???? Help is for lucky people with money.

  15. Dee says:

    I got out over 8 years ago, but I did not know it was narcissistic abuse until my own daughter brought this to my attention recently. I thought he was having a midlife crisis. I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and I thought that had flipped the switch on him to abuser, but in hindsight, I see all the things I did not want to see from the very beginning–all those things we empaths make excuses for. He is a third generation abuser, as well. And after the divorce, the “Hoovering!” I have had a great relationship with a wonderful man for a number of years, but the ex wanted to be “friends.” I thought that was good for the kids, so I allowed it. And then . . . he got involved seriously with someone–someone for whom he has completely morphed. So much so that we are all shaking our heads in disbelief. He is, as my son said, as “un-Catholic” as anyone could be, but he not only converted for this devout woman, he LIED all over an annulment petition blaming me and everyone and everything for his being coerced into a 27 year marriage that produced 3 kids. I felt like I was run over by a car that came straight for me, but I didn’t see it coming. He “had” to to it. “Oh, (he) shouldn’t have let THEM pressure him into it.” OMG! This poor woman doesn’t know what’s in store after the love-bombing. While I was reeling from the assault, my daughter, who was pulling herself out of an abusive relationship with a man who has BPD told me about the damage she had sustained as the child of a narc. This prompted me to read about spousal relationships with a narc. And, I read my life in print! Idealization, devaluation with the confusing intermittent love-bombs, serious devaluation and then discard! Watching him now, playing the upstanding, religious citizen and trying to look like the devoted father to the new woman sickens me. It’s like watching a crime being committed and not being able to tell. I just want to move as far away from him as possible!

  16. Anon says:

    Bless all your hearts, it hurts so much to read your comments. I am recovering from a narc as well. I have not read all the comments but Gina and Brianna you sound like me. My narc was a evil man who enjoys sadistic behavior and it makes me sick that I finally left when he threatened my mom, choked me out while raping me and beat me up then tried to force me to get pregnant. This was not a real relationship it’s called I wanted a real relationship he wanted a place to live and a kid to utilize because he is a monster and his mother is a sick monster too. I have been no contact for half a year after a emotionally and physically battering relationship where he said he has special needs and my “insecurity” caused severe rage in him. Please do a search online into etheric and astral tearing, we are multi dimensional beings, this isn’t fantasy it is science, these narcs are a type of malignant psychic vampire, it is an incubus. Please research the psychological, metaphysical and all aspects of the pain you have gone through. I still have nightmares and cry over this, he even convinced his new girl to get pregnant immediately and everyone he talks to thinks I am crazy even though he is the cruelest person have ever met, he even killed my pet. I fell for his bull too, his constant denial or manipulation of truths, constant blame on other people and I took it hook line and sinker that it really was my fault. We do live in a world where we have sadists who are encouraged by their mother to have kids, she pretends he is an angel but she is a wicked person as well and it took my break up to go from thinking she was a good mom to having my eyes opened that she literally encouraged him to be the apethetic altruistic brat he is. I hate him for sexually hurting me I hope karma murders his arrogance and conceited nature and he knows true hell.

  17. Kim says:

    My comment is for Beth.
    I’m sorry you cannot afford therapy/professional help. I too, am in the same boat. For me, I had to come to terms with that do I let this person completely destroy me? He took everything from me whether it was material things, my self worth or whatever was left of my life. I had to find the fight within me to fight back and not let him win. I hope you too can recognize that you and only you are worth fighting for.

  18. Mel says:

    A******* the lot of them. Get away from them as fast as you can. They will destroy you with their lying, cheating, gas lighting, silences need I go on? You are worth so much more than to have one of these predators in your life. They do not love you, never did and never will. No matter how much they seem to love you it is a game with them to hook you in. Once you are in their delusional world you will fall from Grace so fast you will wonder what hit you. They will devalue you, discard you with the silent treatment and then weeks, months later text or e-mail you like nothing happened. Sad bastards should have been suffocated at birth.

  19. Tammera Beach says:

    I was married for 21 year’s and 4 children later I suffered so much I thank you wonderful ladies for being brave enough to tell your story’s my children and I have alot of peices to put back together but o have hope now to know this is real much love to all of us.

  20. Mel says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more Kevin. It truly is a life changer to go through a narcissistic relationship. Especially when there are kids involved. My oldest son is now being told by the narc that I am a drug addict and that dss is going to take them away from me. My son knows that he’s an alcoholic and will say and do all he can to hurt me. These individuals will stop at nothing to destroy you. Then turn right around proclaiming their love. It truly is sickening and the more things happen the more open my eyes are to real truth and it’s a truth I wish wasn’t true. My heart aches for all of you who are going through similar situations. I don’t know what God has in plan for me but for whatever reason I am going through this and can’t understand why now but I hope one day I will. there has to be more to life than this. I was just physically abused again Sunday night. Had the flu and got choked and slapped and hair pulled because he was drunk and enraged. He called the law and by the time the law came he was passed out. Why he called the law beats me but the officer told me that I could go to the magistrates office and tell them what was going on and the would issue an officer or officers to come and pick up the alcoholic and take him to rehab. He said that he wouldn’t have a choice but to go as it would be ordered by the magistrate. I never knew I could do this. Ofcourse once he’s in rehab after so many days he could choose to leave but I’m thinking that it’s worth a shot. Then again I’m scared at what will happen when he does get out. I’m sure he would really punish me after such a drastic but much needed action on my part. I just don’t know what to do anymore:((

  21. Mel says:

    Do any of your relationships with a narcissist include him or her being an alcoholic? I think that this combination is absolutely devastating. It’s bad enough just being with a narcissist but one who is also an alcoholic brings many many more dangers to the scenario. Let’s continue to pray for these sickos and pray for their conviction in that they reap what they sow.

  22. Christina says:

    My dad had narcissistic pd. So…it has been very easy to have narcissistic pd boyfriends…but at 50, at my lowest point I met a NPD like no other. I was love bombed, adored, promised the moon, moved into his apartment. He then inspected how I hung up my clothes, didn’t like it, and threw me out the next day. At 4am. That happened twice. My fault. He broke up with me during our “best time” — he knew I needed emotional and physical closeness and withdrew it. He never showed up when I had a crisis of my mom being deathly ill. He became my editor (I’m a writer.) had me write about horrific trauma. Not only wasn’t there. But didn’t pay me for my work. The clencher…I’m a psych RN – I should he seen his a mile away. But the end was so twisted and the beginning so – perfect.
    Most damaging relationship my soul has ever withstood. This will take a long time to heal.

  23. Beth says:

    I wrote a really long email, but decided to take a whole lot of myself out of this and am writing about what has helped me, and recent insights I have had based on the previous comments to this post.

    I like to read Dear Abby and Carolyn Hax in the newspaper to continue to educate myself on what are acceptable human words and behaviors and what are not. To affirm how far I’ve come and where I still need to learn more. I also like to watch Dr. Phil, Lisa Remini and Scientology, shows about hoarding, the Talk, even The Real Housewives, etc. and read book previews and reader comments on Amazon, before deciding to purchase a book. You can get a lot of info just from reading the reviewer comments and book previews that will direct you elsewhere online, for free.

    I also noticed that our local domestic violence shelter mentions group classes on its website to strengthen weak psychological boundaries. Psychological energetic boundaries are never acknowledged, mentioned, or even discussed in our culture. People think I am crazy when I talk about this. But, narcissists take advantage every way they can. Even to the point of praying for us to “love them and feel compassion towards them” (in quotes because these are not really our valid emotions are they?) and other positive emotions towards them, that we are not even aware of them doing. We are being manipulated in ways that we can’t even imagine. And, we wonder why we have such a hard time getting over them. I really think this is a major reason why.

    So, we need to find ways to empower ourselves to build psychological boundaries and keep them intact, especially against narcissists, who seem to have the most knowledge to exploit us in ingenious ways, without our even being aware of it.

    Also, our local domestic violence shelter has recently added space for pets. I noticed in the comments one woman didn’t want to leave her cats. I don’t know if this is possible, but, maybe shelters will take people who are non local. I know in extreme cases of physical abuse, women and children have to relocate far away from the abuser. So, shelters must be taking people from far away, maybe for more than just physical violence? Google domestic violence and call or email a shelter and ask.

    Someone said that McDonalds has free wifi. I recently read that many McDonalds around the country will let people hang out there for long periods of time. So, that is a good option.

    Thanks for providing this forum. I didn’t feel like what I had to say would be accepted anywhere else. I hope this can help.

  24. Keats says:

    When you feel like you want to kill your self, quit your job, or otherwise crawl into a home … when you feel that craving for the okdcdelusion of his false “love,” when you feel physically in pain and can’t stop thinking about him … the problem is you’re trying to be nice. You’re still accommodating him even if you’re miles apart. You’re still hoping and rationalizing his criminality, idealizing his smallest fake gesture of kindness, and feeling sorry for him because he was abused by someone when he was a kid. Stop the sympathy for him. Give all the love to yourself and get angry. In a private place use every curse word you san think of to yell at him. Hold nothing back. Anger is the gift of the Goddess to protect us and give us the energy fight for our right to be human, to have self respect and maintain our boundaries. When you feel like crap, it’s because you are still absorbing his hatred and anger and turning it inward, against yourself, even if he’s no longer in your daily life. He made you the container for his self-loathing. You’re still serving this purpose energetically. If you feel like crap, this is your sign that you need to turn that anger inside out. You need to purge it and re-establish your emotional shield against the monster from your past. You need to relinquish the passivity he trained you in and be a fucking warrior for yourself. Be a goddamn fucking warrior for yourself and your daughter if you have one and for all women who have been through this shit. We didn’t deserve this, we don’t deserve it, and we have a right to be free and happy. Take your life back. Get angry, and pull yourself out of the ditch of shame and hurt and live like the divine daughter of the universe that you are. This is it. This is your life and don’t let some fucking asshole rob you of it. When you feel depressed, it means it’s time to get in touch with your anger. Let it pass through you, and you will regain your self-respect and energy and hope in the process. This has been the answer for me. All loving kindness to self and trustworthy loved ones. All compassion for self and trusted loved ones. Now is not the time to love your enemy. Do not contact him in any way; do not do anything for or sgdi st him: but scream your righteous self defense in private or to a therapist or friend who will not be phased by your emotion, who will not tell you to calm down or turn the other cheek. There is a time for peace and a time for war. He has literally made war on you. Do not think that being kind will help anyone. A Nazi is a Nazi. There are no nice Nazis. They will certainly kill you if you let them. You deserve to live. The battlefield is within you. It is with the beast of him that you carry in your heart. Slay that dragon within as many times as you have to. You are the hero of your own life. Get angry. Get up. Stand up. Walk tall. Believe in yourself. That is the path to peace. Your body/heart cries out for justice from you, to you, by channeling your rage into positive, self-affirming, life affirming action. No contact, no interaction, no reaction with him–and then fight whenever you must against the demon on your heart that he planted there.

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