Mental Health Blogs

Living with Rapid-Cycling Cyclothymia

Four years ago, I was diagnosed with rapid-cycling cyclothymia. It’s like a milder version of Bipolar Disorder, complete with hypomanic and depressive cycles, but I can cycle several times within a week, or even a day. (read: Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms, Treatment, Effects)

No two days are alike. I realize that it’s difficult to understand. Things change so quickly that it confuses me, let alone an outside observer. There is so much misinformation “out there”, that it’s tough for people to piece together an accurate picture of this condition. So I thought I’d take the reader on a journey of what a day could be like when I’m especially rapid-cycling.

What Does Rapid-Cycling Cyclothymia Feel Like?

I wake up depressed. It’s a numbness. Like something has taken me over and sucked out all of my emotions, except that I don’t know why. I’m used to extremes, but nothingness is downright scary. What's it like living with rapid-cycling cyclothymia? Get an inside look at what rapid-cycling cyclothymia feels like.I’m grateful that I work for myself, from home. Looking presentable would require too much energy. I have zero motivation, so it takes a while to do more than make a list of things I should be doing. I take my morning dose of medication, hoping it doesn’t make me more depressed – a potential side-effect.

By my second cup of coffee, I feel more like a productive member of society. Sadly, that doesn’t last long. By 1 p.m., I’m hypomanic. My brain can’t focus. I have twenty ideas for projects that I have no idea how to start. They’re not fantastical; I simply can’t focus enough to know where to begin. It’s beyond frustrating. At 2 p.m., I welcome my second dose of medication, hoping it slows my brain. Instead, it makes me nauseous, dizzy and disoriented. I can’t see straight. I apparently haven’t eaten enough beforehand. I must lie down for about an hour. Mental note – bigger snack tomorrow.

I’m ready to crawl out of my skin until about 4:30, when I can finally focus. The evening varies. I could level out, have another hypomanic episode, or slip into depression. I’m exhausted from emotional tug-of-war. I’ll probably stay home in case I cycle. Let me dispel a myth –I’m not Jekyll and Hyde, suddenly switching between highs and lows in mid-conversation. I feel it coming on gradually, and generally nobody else notices, thanks to medications and therapy. But I feel terrible, so I withdraw.

Drained by 9:30 p.m., I take my triple dose of meds before bed. They may prevent late-night hypomania, which causes insomnia. I toss and turn, trying to sleep, hoping that tomorrow my brain feels a little less like a ping-pong ball.

This article was written by:

Maya Northen on living with rapid cycling cyclothymiaMaya Northen is a mental health awareness enthusiast who was born with rapid-cycling cyclothymia, and finally diagnosed at the age of 29. She blogs about her journey with this condition, runs a mental health support group on Facebook, and has begun organizing fundraising events for mental health research and treatment. She believes fully in raising awareness through telling our stories, and plans to work helping youth and teens who are diagnosed with mental health conditions. You can also connect with Maya through her blog and on Twitter or Facebook.

To be a guest author on the Your Mental Health Blog, go here.

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8 Responses to Living with Rapid-Cycling Cyclothymia

  1. Tanika says:

    Wow that sounds a lot like me. It’s especially hard with lack of support and with people around (spouse, child). Cannot quite give encouragement as I am probably suppose to now but I can definitely relate.

  2. chris in sc says:

    That is so much of how I feel. I am going to print this out for my therapist. Thank you for giving me some way to explain myself to her.

  3. Patricia Foil says:

    Know what it’s like. Just wish my family would understand how it feels. Takes a lot of tongue biting, teeth grinding and counting quietly to keep from yelling and taking my frustations out on them. But it could be worse is my motto. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

  4. I’ve received umpteen different diagnoses over the past 10-15 years, and this is the most recent one I believe. I’m waiting to be called back in to see my doctors for next steps re medication and/or therapy. I feel pretty well all the same things as you’ve described feeling. I’ve been off work for over two years and I’m not sure what the future holds re when/if I’m told I’m o.k. and to go back. Before I was put off work, the accommodation to allow me to work from home was requested. It, along with other alternatives surrounding accommodation,wasn’t accepted….even though working from home was something that for a while was going to be the norm for all employees. I agree that being presentable, especially if it’s for the early part of the day, is a major challenge. I used to juggle it all..kids-by myself as a single parent, career, studying, maintaining a house & yard, etc. Then….I hit a wall….

  5. John says:

    Thank you. Tonight it is just reassuring to know others also are cursed/blessed in this way.

    Been one hell of a dayweekmonth … but I can still remember the good times

  6. Eli says:

    Mixt episodes are by far the worse. I’ve been having them lately and it’s tearing me apart from the inside out. So much fatigue! I believe that the worse part about this disease is not being understood by your close ones. This is exactly the main reason why tonight i googled and found your page as a form of support, right after i tried to explain to my best friend that these swing of moods are simply unbearable and it’s so hard to keep up with them and not lose it. His reply was that “this is normal it sometimes happens to him : to be in a good mood and have a bad/sad thought for a few seconds before returning to the initial mood”. I wish it was just that. Oh, he will never understand what i mean and how i feel. It’s like being silenced in this case cause words can’t even begin to describe the amount of *@#! one feels in just one day. I am 22 years old and I have been diagnosed with cyclothymia at 21. I now understand myself, especially when i was a teenager and i felt so lost, confused, dynamic, impulsive, never getting a thing done, alone. Why do I have this awful disease? Who would have thought that being normal was such a luxury? (I’m sorry if my comment was too long , but it’s my first time speaking about this with somebody who knows)

  7. Renae says:

    I believe my husband is suffering with this disorder. I absolutely love him but I’m finding it more challenging to deal with as time goes on only because he refuses to acknowledge he even has something going on. I’ve tried talking to him about his constant mood swings and that only enrages him more. I’m at my wits end trying to cope. I’m not sure what else I can do to help if anything. I try to give him as much space and time as he needs to deal with his rapid mood changes but at times it leaves me in a state of unrest and uncertainty. I feel so alone most of the time. Even though my husband has not been diagnosed and I don’t know that he will ever seek help, I understand there’s something bigger than the both of us so I try to be patient and understanding.

  8. SWIM says:

    Great explanation of this disorder. Only those who have it know the insanity and frustration that encompasses it. Don’t even try to explain it to someone, no words do it justice. I was a top executive at a company and as my condition worsened, I slammed into the wall. No work for past year with little hope of returning anytime soon. Tried every med known for past 2 years, fighting through each day… Trying yet another med now. I have a wife and two kids and I do everything I can to act normal with my kids and try to be there for them – some days I simply cannot and that ads to the depression. I’m in constant state of agitation, avoidance, anxiety, tension headaches, self analysis, and confusion/dizziness. I cycle every 3 hours or so, with a lot of mixed states. Sleep is weird. No deep sleep, just constant REM. Sleep study showed this. If you don’t have a strong support system like I do, then do whatever you can to get one, even if just over the phone. It takes all I have to leave the house, but some days I can. I tried the coffee thing, seems to have a very short-term mood effect then makes the manic cycle that much harder to bring down. I was originally diagnosed with agitated depression, but every anti depressant kicked up my mania. Trying to find the right mood stabilizer is what I’m doing now. On my third, I think I’m finally getting positive results on this latest try. I’m 42, so onset was very late for me – like 39. Accepting that you can’t do what you once could is extremely frustrating – but this is the reality. My wife has been understanding, but it does affect our relationship. I try to remain as quiet and peaceful as possible. I try not to schedule more than one thing each day. Hopefully this is something I learn to manage better over time. I also thought I could do this on my own with no meds, it’s part of the condition itself. But when nothing is improving using tons of talk therapy and every cognitive behavioral technique in the book, one must look to medication. At first, no one wants to believe they have this disorder… It’s not until you smash a wall or do something to ruin your life do you wake up and beg for relief. There seems to be this internal anger or more accurately rage that can’t be expressed. If anger is expressed, it will usually trigger a manic cycle – catch 22. There seems to be no restful state of mind, no peace of mind. The body also like to express the stress of the disorder in weird painful acts like neurological and/or muscle pain. That’s just icing on the cake :)

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