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The Routine Makes It Easier to Stay in Abusive Relationships

The Routine Makes It Easier to Stay in Abusive Relationships

The cycle of violence and abuse typically consists of three phases: tension-building, abuse, and honeymoon. The first two phases describe themselves and the honeymoon phase occurs after the abuse and gives the abuser a chance to beg the victim’s forgiveness or otherwise convince the victim to stay. Over time, the tension-building and honeymoon phases tends to shorten or disappear, leaving us to wonder why abusive relationships can last so long. This routine makes staying in an abusive relationship manageable; both victim and abuser come to accept this routine as normal.

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Top 10 Most Engaging Verbal Abuse in Relationships Blog Posts

Top 10 Most Engaging Verbal Abuse in Relationships Blog Posts

Last year, I did a top ten list of the most viewed Verbal Abuse in Relationships blog posts, so I thought I’d do something different this time. The posts on this list earned the largest percentage of comments per times viewed. If you missed them, perhaps you want to add your two cents. Readers tell me all the time they get as much from the comments as they get from the post, so share your experience so we can ALL benefit!

Many of these posts do not have many comments, but don’t let that deter you. This post isn’t about the largest number of comments. It is about the most comments per times viewed, or the most engagement from readers based on number of views.

Happy New Year and may 2014 be the beginning of something GREAT in your life!

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Laughing ’til It Hurts: The Hidden Pain of Domestic Abuse

Laughing ’til It Hurts: The Hidden Pain of Domestic Abuse

Big ol’ belly laughs that catch you by surprise feel so good! They feel better now that feeling happy doesn’t make me sad. That idea is confusing; laughing until you cry doesn’t usually mean you cry sad tears, but it happened to me a lot during my abusive marriage. Usually, the laughing started during a phone call with my sister. Anything could get us going, and for a few beautiful minutes, nothing mattered except the funny bit between us. I laughed until my sides ached and the tears flowed like water.

But then, when the laughter dried up and I started wiping the tears from my eyes, the tears wouldn’t stop. My face, sore from smiling, suddenly dropped into a frown. I covered my face because I felt embarrassed to feel so…damn…sad. Those last tears fell because when the laughter was done, I returned to my sad, closed-off life of mind-numbing pain. Sometimes I would stay on the phone with her when she asked what was wrong. Usually I cut the conversation short when I felt the change to pain begin.

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The Hidden Tale of Abuse

The Hidden Tale of Abuse

Continued From The Fairy-Tale Beginning

Storytellers leave out the middle portion of our fairy-tale because it occurs behind palace walls, secreted away from the prying eyes of peasants. The princess, swept off her feet, rides into the sunset with our knight, heading to his land and his castle. He promises love never-ending, and the princess cannot wait to begin life with him by her side. Her woodland friends promise to visit soon, and all seems well…

Within a few days of her honeymoon, our princess detects a glimpse of trouble in the brave knight’s eyes. He is unhappy despite his talents, vast kingdom, and her love for him. She thinks his parents were too hard on him, and feels her knight is too hard on himself as a result.

“Well!” she thinks, “Never mind that. It won’t take long for him to see the beauty in himself. How can he not while I am here to remind him?”

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PTSD and Memories of Abuse

PTSD and Memories of Abuse

Many abuse victims suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), me included. The other day while writing the post about my ex’s abusive anger, I had to take an hour break before I could finish writing. My body reacted the same way it did when my ex ran up on me, panicky, wobbly, … fearful. It helps to know “what is happening” at times like these. If I didn’t know that PTSD influenced me, I may think I was just plain stupid for “allowing” it to happen. As it is, I recognize the PTSD symptom and take necessary steps to soothe myself, bring myself back into the present.

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Do the Effects of Abuse Change You Permanently?

Do the Effects of Abuse Change You Permanently?

I lived in an abusive relationship heart and soul for over 17 years. I’ve often wondered if the effects of abuse changed who I am permanently or temporarily. I run into trouble with this question because I was in the relationship for almost half of my life. If I compare myself to how I was at 20-years-old (after I married him), I’m not sure I can answer that question. After all, in any normal relationship I would naturally change across the span of two decades.

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Dealing With PTSD Symptoms After Leaving Abuse

Dealing With PTSD Symptoms After Leaving Abuse

Yesterday, Andi commented on Victims Think They May Be The Abuser. Andi said:

“…I reached the point where I feared that the emotional / verbal abuse was going to move towards physical abuse. It has been a long time since this happened. I’ve moved far away and started over, but I’m still scared, feeling PTSD symptoms, and can’t seem to move on. I want so desperately to be whole again. Any thoughts and help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.”

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Verbal Abuse and Depression vs. Unhappiness

Verbal Abuse and Depression vs. Unhappiness

I saw a quote recently that said, “Before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you’re not simply surrounded by jerks.” Abuse in relationships does cause depression over time, but being depressed and being unhappy are two different beasts. More than likely, a doctor’s diagnosis of depression will overshadow your chronic unhappiness, and instead of seeking to solve the cause, you will resort to treating the symptom (the depression).

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Domestic Abuse and Depression

Domestic Abuse and Depression

Domestic abuse and depression share many symptoms. A long time ago, I told my doctor how I felt and he instantly diagnosed me with depression. Unfortunately, way back then, I don’t think I had depression yet. I think the symptoms of domestic abuse were my problem. Unfortunately, the doctor didn’t ask about domestic abuse, just depression. Maybe now, 20 years later, doctors do ask about domestic abuse and depression during the same visit.

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Trust After An Abusive Relationship

Trust After An Abusive Relationship

Trust eludes victims of abuse during their abusive relationship. As much as I wanted to trust my ex-abuser and told others that I could, it wasn’t so. I thought if I was trustworthy and expected to find it in him, then it would magically appear and our relationship would spring to life. Never happened because you cannot ever trust an abuser with your heart.

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