And so today I am angry. Oh sure, I’m depressed too, but I’m also largely angry. I’m hateful. I hate everything from people to stoplights to walking to moving my eyeballs. I’m just angry that I’m alive.
But I have chosen this anger. I have chosen the anger over the depression because it is more useful. It’s better to hate everything because hate comes with energy, depression does not.
Depression and Energy
People who are seriously depressed often do not move from their bed. They do not move from their couch. They do not eat food. They do not clean. They do not do laundry. They do not change their clothes. They do not shower. They do not think. All of those things require far too much energy and effort. And every drop they have is being used, burned, destroyed by the effort to keep breathing. Keep going. Not to simply blow away in the wind.
Anger and Energy
On the other hand, angry people have energy – after all, it takes energy to hate things. It takes energy to be annoyed, irritated. It takes energy to want to snap at the cashier or yell at the TV. These things require movement and thought – things depression doesn’t offer.
Anger is Better, More Functional than Depression
So I choose anger because that horrid, hateful energy is something I can pour into work. Instead of sitting on a couch thinking about how much it hurts to turn my eyeballs to see the seagulls outside, I can channel that energy into writing and editing and doing chores and running errands.
Now don’t get me wrong, I can’t actually get mad at anyone or anything because that would be unfair, and dare I say, crazy, but I can use that heat to move a little from the couch. And clients prefer that. Because I don’t get paid for sitting around and wishing my life was different.