I had a terrible dream the other night. My therapist says that dreams are unfinished business. I think it’s safe to say that I have a lot of unfinished business that I need to attend to. My bipolar disorder is still hovering there beneath the surface. The high of the bipolar drugs has finished and it’s back to normal bipolar me. But, it’s better than it was. I just have to remind myself that I’m not my bipolar disorder.
I think that it’s got to be more than just the bipolar drugs.
They’ve leveled out somewhat and so have I for the most part. I got sick this past week and threw up my dose of pills. Then, the next day, I was still sick and I forgot to take them until much later than usual.
My bipolar mood came back in full force. I was anxious, moody, and angry at the world. It just goes to show you the power of medication for bipolar disorder. It was mortifying. I was supposed to be on the road to bipolar recovery and I had a flat tire along the way.
After half a day of surliness I remembered my meditation.
I promptly went and sat in my dark place and began to let the tension ease. It was such a relief. This bump in the road was only temporary. I was still on the road; I just had to ease up on the gas for a day. (video: What’s Meditation Got to Do with Bipolar?)
The point is that I didn’t let my bipolar disorder get to me. Sure, I fumbled, but I got back on track. It’s moments like these that remind me that I am not my bipolar disorder. It’s only one part of me. I am in control. Let me repeat: I am in control. Moments like those don’t have to be rerun day-after-day. I learned to make a plan to keep myself intact.
My plan includes meditation and self-affirmation.
I need to remember that there will always be bad days lurking around the corners. It’s my job to keep my bipolar disorder symptoms in check. When it all gets to be too much, go sit in a quiet place for 10-15 minutes and get yourself centered. Figure out where you’ve gone wrong and how to right it. Or just center yourself and just be in the moment. It’s okay to feel out of sorts sometimes. It doesn’t mean that you’ll wake up tomorrow and it will be just the same. Remember that tomorrow is a new day. Don’t be your bipolar disorder. Be yourself.