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Bipolar Beat Me, But No More

Bipolar beat me. Yesterday was a bad day. I haven’t had it bad like this in a while. It stemmed from my finances or lack thereof. This time of year is always difficult for us, paying off Christmas. Next Christmas we’re going to have a savings. No credit cards. But, there is still the problem of this year.

boxing_glovesI cried all day yesterday as I gave into my bipolar depression. I couldn’t get up out of bed. I tried thinking of good, positive things, but it did no good. I’ve been reading this book called Alphatudes that suggests that you feel your feelings. So, I decided to give in and do that. I let bipolar beat me.  I think it made my day worse. I should’ve gotten up and fought for control instead of wallowing in misery.

I felt so helpless.

I wanted to get up and be my usual self, but then again I didn’t want to. I ended up sleeping most of the day. I got up to eat, even tried some caffeine, but it was no good. I ended up laying in my bed, sad, and watching the rain drip off my palm tree outside my window until Sade put me to sleep.

I kept listening to her song, “Pearl”, about a woman in Somalia that’s dying to survive. I would like to be that brave and slip out of this bipolar depression. And I am that brave most days. There are just days when I slip. But today I got up, ironed my hair and put on some creative makeup. It’s still a dull day outside and rain is in the forecast, but today I plan on putting on my brave face. I fell yesterday, but today I rise.

Bipolar beat me and made me live in a world that I didn’t choose, but I can choose what to do with it now.

I choose the fighting path. I choose to live a life worth living. Yesterday I had doubts and bipolar depression, but today is another day and I choose life. I choose to live my life with purpose. I’m getting up. I’m fighting. The next time I have a bad day, I will still get up and do my hair and makeup and I will find something purposeful to do with my time. Bipolar doesn’t have to beat me into submission. I choose to stand up and fight for myself.

Fight! Fight for your sanity. Don’t give in like I did. And I make a promise to you that I won’t go down without a fight either. Fight!

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