Living with Bipolar Disorder and the Stigma of Mental Illness - Bipolar Disorder and the Stigma of Mental Illness

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Natalie Paul, you wrote a book entitled "Dear World- A Suicide Letter" describing a period in time in which you were seriously contemplating suicide; in fact, on the verge of committing suicide. It is not uncommon for people with bipolar disorder to think about suicide. What was going on in your life and in your thoughts at that time?

Paul Jones: Dear World- A Suicide Letter is just that. It is my Suicide Letter. I was sitting at my desk, writing my final words. I was going to kill myself that morning. It is not a book that was written, it is the actual letter itself which I was talked in to publishing. Had I not sat down to write the letter that morning I would be dead right now. I would have never gone home that day. What was going through my mind? Nothing, nothing but being dead. I was dead, I was a dead man walking. I was tired of fighting, I was finished with the pain, I was done.

Natalie What kept you from committing suicide?

Paul Jones: After writing for over 7 hours I had come to the conclusion that I was lying to my children. I was lying to all the kids I had coached for all the years in soccer. I have told my kids and the children on my team " you never, ever quit" and here I was quitting. Once I realized I would be remembered as a liar, that was all it took. I hate liars, I cannot stand liars and there was no way my children were going to look back on everything I had told them and say I lied. I did not stay alive for my children that day, I am alive today because I refuse to be remembered as a liar.

Natalie You are now taking medications to stabilize your moods and control the manic and depressive episodes. How do you feel about that?

Paul Jones: If I was a Diabetic I would take meds. If I had high blood pressure I would take meds. This is no different to me, I am in. You have a pill that can and will allow me to live life. I am IN.

Natalie I know this may be getting a little personal, but are you feeling any side-effects from the medications and how are you dealing with that?

Paul Jones: You can ask me anything. I am a open book. I can run for office without fear.

Side Effects....got to love them. I could go on for hours here due to the meds taken over the years. But I will give you two:

SEX - Once I realized my equipment was not working the way it once had I immediately called my doctor - at 3am by the way. I said, "hey Steve, I am lying here next to my wife at 3 am naked and we are just talking" You learn how to deal with things, you really do. My equipment working properly is important yes, but if my brain is sick I could really care less about it and or my wife anyway. So again, you have to decide what is the most important thing.

Next is FAT FAT FAT - I gained a lot of pounds for me due to? Nope not what you're thinking. The answer is not because of my medicine. I gain the pounds because I increased my food intake and did nothing in the form of exercise. Again, you have to participate. Late November I got out of the shower in my hotel room and as I pulled the shower curtain to there was this huge fat guy in my room. I took a close look and low and behold it was me. I could not believe what I have allowed myself to become. December 1 I started back to the gym at 243 pounds and today, March 27 I am about 197.

Participate. Like I said, we know what we have to do... we are just un willing to do it.

Natalie When you meet someone, do you introduce yourself as having BP within a first conversation?

Paul Jones: My license plate says BIPOLAR on my Car.....does that answer it?

I do not say hi my name is Paul and I am Bipolar......EVERY ONE ...HI PAUL,

I do not hide from it but usually it does come up. They see my car or they have read my books.

Natalie: We have more questions from the audience.

lisaann: You said you have been doing really well since your med change 7 months ago. What do you do if the symptoms reappear? How do you cope with the recurrence of them? I find that the biggest challenge of this illness.

Paul Jones: You are correct. I do not jump until I do a little searching.
1-Is my depression due to life....you know, "life sucks...."
2- Have I done something wrong? Have I been eating too much bad stuff, have a drank something wrong or such?
3- Have I been getting too much sleep?

If the answer is no to all, then I pick up the phone and call my doc. If I have to start over, I start over. I have had to do it 3 times now and will do it again I am sure.

Gene7768: Looking back now, how long do you think you had the disease, when did it start, and why did you not realize you had it?

Paul Jones: I can see that it all started around age 11. As a child, I had no clue what was wrong. I was not about to tell my parents I wanted to kill myself. Heck, Dad would have said, don't use my tools and mom would have said do not get blood on the carpet. As I grew older I knew I had an issue but was not willing to be labeled.. The truth is I was labeled, I was the one doing it.

allie82: Do you hear voices with bipolar disorder?

Paul Jones: I personally do not hear voices per se. I do, however, have or had strong feelings that I should do something like give my money away or start a huge project.