online conference transcript

Natalie is the HealthyPlace.com moderator

The people in blue are audience members

Natalie: Good evening. I'm Natalie, your moderator for tonight's Anxiety Disorders chat conference. I want to welcome everyone to the HealthyPlace.com website. Tonight's conference topic is "An Inside Look At Anxiety." Our guest is Samantha Schutz.

Ms. Schutz is an editor of children's books. She is also the author of a recently released book: "I Don't Want To Be Crazy" a poetry memoir documenting her personal battle with anxiety disorder and the incapacitating panic attacks that first struck during college.

Samantha, thank you for joining us tonight. You are now 28 years old and this book is based on your experiences with anxiety and panic during your college days; starting about 10 years ago. Before I get into those details, how are you doing today?

Samantha Schutz: I'm feeling pretty good. I haven't had a panic attack in a long time - months, really. Of course, I still get anxious and get flutters of panic, but they usually don't last very long. I'm also starting a new job in a few days. I'm a little nervous about it, but nervous in a normal way. In other words, it's not giving me panic attacks.

Natalie: Your book, "I Don't Want To Be Crazy" provides real insight into not only what it's like living with anxiety and panic, but also the personal struggle most people face in trying to get the right treatment for an anxiety disorder. The book is especially written for teens, 14 and up, along with their parents, but it's an excellent read no matter what your age. Samantha, why did you target this group?

Samantha Schutz: There were no books for teens about anxiety disorder. (There are of course, many self-help-type books on the subject, but they weren't engaging reads and they didn't make me feel any less alone.)

There are books for teens about drug abuse, depression, rape, suicide, OCD, cutting, learning disabilities, eating disorders...but there were no books about generalized anxiety disorder or panic disorder--ironic since anxiety often plays a major role in other disorders. In short, I wanted representation.

There was also a big part of me that was writing I Don't Want To Be Crazy because I wished that I had had a book to comfort me and make me feel less alone.

Natalie: What were the first symptoms of anxiety that you experienced and what was going on in your life at that time?

Samantha Schutz: The first panic attack I ever had was after I smoked pot for the first time in high school. I really freaked out. I was pretty sure I was going to die. Or at least have to go to the hospital. I swore I would never smoke pot again . . . but eventually I did. Sometimes when I would smoke, I would freak out. Sometimes I wouldn't. It never occurred to me that anything besides the pot was responsible for the anxiety.

The first panic attack I had when I wasn't high was right before I left for college. I was shopping for school supplies with my dad and all of a sudden I felt really strange. The ground felt soft. I felt really spacey and confused. It was like everything was moving too fast and too slow at once.

Natalie: As time went on, how did the symptoms progress?

Samantha Schutz: During my freshman year, my first panic attacks were scattered and seemingly without pattern. Although, I did have A LOT in class. But it wasn't long before the attacks picked up speed and I was having several a day. I often felt nervous, not in control of my body, and convinced that I was going to die. As their frequency increased, it became difficult to do normal things like go to class, the dining hall, or parties.

Natalie: What impact did the anxiety and panic attacks have on you?

Samantha Schutz: This is a really hard question. At the time it kept me a bit withdrawn. Not terribly so, but enough to hold me back socially. Luckily, by that time I already had a few very good friends. Academically, I was doing ok. My grades first semester were actually quite good. But mostly I attribute that to the fact that I purposely picked classes that I knew I would like. I knew that the transition from high school to college would be hard (for anyone) and I thought that it wouldn't be the best time to have to deal with hardcore requirements like math. Now, if you want to know what impact panic disorder has had on my life in the overall sense, well..... that's an even harder question. One that I am not even sure I can answer. Would I be the same person I am today? I doubt it. But what would I have been? These are HUGE questions.

Natalie: Your book is called "I Don't Want To Be Crazy". Did you think you were going crazy? Did it come to that?

Samantha Schutz: There was a very short amount of time where I thought that. It was freshman year right before I went into therapy and went on medication. I had no idea what was happening to me and the only explanation I could come up with was that I had gone crazy. At the time I had never even heard of anxiety disorder. No, I never thought that I actually went "crazy". But it was something I was very fearful of. I guess I envisioned "crazy" as something I would or could enter into and never come out of.