An Inside Look At Anxiety - Living with Anxiety

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

For many years, having an anxiety disorder shaped nearly every bit of my life- where I went, who I went with, how long I stayed. I do not believe that anxiety disorder can be flipped off like a switch, and accordingly, simply using past or present tense did not accurately reflect how I was feeling. The body has an unbelievable capacity to remember pain, and my body was not ready to forget what I had been through. It was only about a year ago that I settled on saying, "I am in recovery from anxiety disorder."

As far as recovery goes, my life is VERY different than it was when I was diagnosed with panic disorder ten years ago. Since that fall, I have seen more than a half dozen therapists and taken as many different medications. I've had two episodes where I nearly checked myself into a hospital. I have been to yoga and meditation classes, swung tennis rackets at pillows, practiced the art of breathing, tried hypnosis, and taken herbal remedies. I've done things that once seemed impossible- like going to crowded concerts or sitting with relative ease in a packed lecture hall. I've also gone many months at a time without panic attacks or medication. I don't know how to quantify how hard it was. . . but it sure wasn't easy. It was what it was. I dealt with things as they came.

Sometimes times things were good and I didn't have many panic attacks. Sometimes things were bad and I had several panic attacks a day. I just had to always remember that panic attacks always end and that bad days and bad weeks always end too.

Natalie: You tried different treatments, different medications. At some point, did you just want to give up? What motivated you to continue on with seeking treatment?

Samantha Schutz: I don't think I ever wanted to give up. There were sometimes when things looked pretty bleak . . . but I kept trying new meds and new therapists because I wanted to get better. That even though things are pretty bad, there is something they are getting out of feeling bad. There have been a few times that I have felt really depressed and I wanted to feel depressed. It was comforting. I think that at some point I decided I really wanted to get better and that was a sort of turning point for me and I started making more progress.

Natalie: One last question before we turn to some audience questions: You mentioned at the beginning that you are stable and better able to live your life. Are you ever afraid that the anxiety and panic attacks and depression will return? And how do you deal with them?

Samantha Schutz: Sure I do. I am still on medication and I wonder what will happen when I go off it. Have I learned tools to deal with my anxiety? Have I passed through that stage of my life? I don't know. I am really hopeful though.

At the end of my book there is a poem that says a lot about how I felt on this subject. Keep in mind that this poem reflects how I felt several years ago. I am in a house. I am in one room and my anxiety is in another. It's close. I can feel it. I can go to it. But I won't. It still felt like the anxiety was there. That it was close, but that all of the work I was doing (the meds, the therapy) was helping to keep it at bay. I don't feel like it's as close now. I don't feel like I could fall back into it as easily as I once did.

Natalie: Here's the first question from the audience

terrier7: Was there a line of demarcation that kind of separates who you were before the panic attacks/anxiety and afterwards or was it a lot more gradual than that?

Samantha Schutz: There is no hard line. I can only wonder how things would have been. It's not like I was very outgoing before and then really shy afterwards. I think it could take me a lifetime to figure out how things are different, but even then, is it important to know? And really... I will never know for sure what is different about me. I was diagnosed at such a critical time. I was 17. A lot was changing about me and developing anyway.

Natalie: Thanks Samantha, here are some more questions from the audience.

trish3455: I experienced many different symptoms of anxiety and I worry that maybe it's something serious and not anxiety. I have read many books and it seems I experience symptoms that are not common. Did you experience this?

Samantha Schutz: I know I thought that a lot too. There were times I thought I had some weird illness. There are so many different symptoms and so many different ways that people feel. The important thing is to NOT diagnose yourself. Let a doctor do that.

Debi2848: Does the panic/anxiety attacks embarrass you and you have to leave a family gathering for no reason and can't go back for fear of having a bad attack in front of people?

Samantha Schutz: I think that for a long time I just left where ever I was if I was having a panic attack. So I wasn't there long enough for many people to see what was going on for me. I don't think I felt very embarrassed by my anxiety. I did feel bad that I was putting my friends out and that they left all sorts of places because of me.

sthriving: I have had anxiety and panic attacks for about 7 years now. Things like driving, socializing, etc. I can now do without any hesitation, but I am still on Xanax. Do you think there is anything wrong with having to take medication to enjoy doing things?

Samantha Schutz: Hard question. I remember when I was first thinking about going on medication I was hesitant. The psychiatrist asked me if I would have trouble taking medication if I was diabetic. I said of course not. There have been times when I didn't want to go on meds. Others where I could not swallow the pill fast enough. It depended on how I was feeling. I am sort of in the same boat now. I have been on meds for a long time and am wondering if I should go off. I wonder if I need it? But then part of me wonders if I should stay on. If I am feeling good, why mess with it. But again, I am not a doctor.

It's different for everyone and of course your doctor should have some input into this decision. This does not sound like one decision you should or can make alone.

support2u: I have had anxiety all of my life and recently started having what I would call panic attacks and I start hyperventilating and breath holder. How would someone like me cope with this and how did you?

Samantha Schutz: There is a type of therapy called CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy This therapy is all about teaching you specific ways to deal with specific problems. In CBT a patient might do a lot of breath work on learning how to breathe in a way that will help you calm down. I hope you are seeing a doctor. I know I sound like a broken record. But I can only speak from my own personal experience.