My Angel

I met Sue, on a day that was like every other day, filled with loneliness and despair. She's the mother of Kaydee's (my daughter) friend, Whitney. Whitney came over to our house to play with my daughter. Sue came to pick her up. We started talking and Sue started to share with me her experiences with panic disorder. As I listened, I couldn't believe I was hearing that she too had suffered with this disorder. I was, to say the least, shocked to actually be hearing someone else had these symptoms I was having. I couldn't get enough. I was like a sponge, soaking up everything that came out of her mouth. I wasn't alone anymore. She knew. She understood. She wanted to help.

Sue started doing "Behavioral Therapy" with me. She would come over to my house and we started out with very small steps. First, she walked down to the corner of my street with me and then back. My legs shook, but I made it. I felt a great sense of confidence that night, something so small, but yet so important. The next time we walked to a park by my house. Sue held my arm and kept reassuring me I was okay, then she let go of my arm and walked ahead of me and then said, walk up to me. I remember telling her I couldn't. She said "Sure you can." I did and we walked further. Then we came home.

These were the first small steps, and how wonderful I felt, and how safe I felt with Sue. I practiced on my own and I noticed the panic feelings weren't there. I was totally amazed. It was working!!

Sue had everything planned out. I wouldn't know where or what we were doing next. The next things we did involved taking rides in Sue's van. She took me for a short drive the first time and it was so strange, like I had been in a coma for a very long time. How things had changed, streets, stores. With each new journey, I conquered another fear and built confidence.

I remember the first day Sue took me to Kaydee's (my daughter) school. It made me so happy to see where Kaydee was going to school. The first time in the grocery store, Sue came in with me. The next time we went, she parked and gave me a list and sent me in by myself. GEESH, was I nervous. I did it, I did it... YEAH

At this point, Sue decided it was time for me to go out on my own. This was really hard. She was my support and I didn't know if I could do it without her. Little-by-little I did, but I still missed her a lot.

Sue's family and I met for dinner a few times. It was really nice to go and do things like that. At this point, my husband was drinking and doing a lot of drugs. Finally one night, Clay went into a rage. He found out that I was going to my therapist without him. He thought I had been telling my therapist things about him and he got really mad. I told him that we needed to go for a ride because I wanted to get him away from the kids.

He lost it, Totally, and beat my head against the dashboard until I was unconscious and then threw me out of his truck, in front of my house. He called from his cell phone and told me he would be back with a big gun. Well, I called the police and they issued a warrant for his arrest. I was taken to the hospital, had a broken jaw and fractured arm. He did show up in the middle of the night, with a rifle and the police arrested him and he spent one night in jail. This was the beginning of more tests of my strength, I believe. I had to have many surgeries on my jaw, braces and pins, lots of physical therapy. After about a year of court dates, he spent 3 months in jail and is now on 5 years ISP probation. Our divorce was final in April of 98.

Sue and I still talk and visit, she will always be my Angel. I will be eternally grateful for her support, guidance and friendship.

My Life Now

It has been almost 3 years now since I started therapy. Many things have changed. I continue to see my therapist, but now our visits consist of different discussions. After one of my sessions, Dr. Cohn asked me if I would be willing to talk to a few of his patients. I did and little did I know this would be yet another journey. Now I do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with patients of Dr. Cohn's. This has been such a rewarding experience for me. Being a part of their recovery inspires me so much. To see their strength and determination to fight this battle makes everything I went through totally worth it. Dr. Cohn told me that since agreeing to a house call for me, that he now will continue to do so if anyone asks.

I am now remarried to a unbelievable man, who has shown me what love, security and trust are really all about. He supports me in everything I do. I have truly been blessed.

My road to recovery was long, but not nearly as long as the years I did nothing and lived in fear. I challenged my fears. I had weekly appointments with my therapist. I did Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, relaxation exercises, breathing exercises, meditation and kept a journal of all of it. Recovery is a re-learning and re-training process. We need to learn coping techniques so that we can handle stressful situations in a different way than we did. So, I am going to explain the methods I used and continue to use. I hope they will help you too

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