Patti's Panic Place

I was raised, as many, in a "dysfunctional" family. I had scary thoughts and bad dreams. My father's alcoholism created chaos and additional feelings of insecurities. As a teenager, I suffered from eating disorders, bleeding stomach ulcer, irritable bowel problems. I began avoiding situations where I could not come and go as I pleased; situations where I couldn't be in control. High school was extremely hard. I was absent a lot and I became very good at making excuses.

By age nineteen, I was out on my own, controlling my anxious feelings with alcohol. I learned to cope with everyday situations, working and socializing, by drinking.

I was working in a disco, when I was 21 and met my first husband, David. I got married, had my first daughter, Lindsey, and moved into my home.

The marriage was not a good one. My husband was very irresponsible and didn't like the "tied down" feelings of being married and being a father. I was very insecure. David lost it one night and punched me once and I ended up in the hospital with a fractured nose. I had to have plastic surgery to replace the bones in my nose. We divorced when I was 26.

As a single mother I felt more insecure than ever before. Not only did I have myself to deal with, but I had a child. I was scared and lost.

My World Becomes Smaller:

By this time in my life, I started to avoid more-and-more places. I would wake up in the morning and get Lindsey up and go to my parents. I only went places with my mom. I'd go to the store and begin to feel dizzy and would leave and go sit in the car. I stayed at my parent's house all day and, reluctantly, would come home at night.

I increasingly started feeling more out of control. I had my first full-blown panic attack while shopping for asparagus with my parents and my daughter. I was in the car and all of a sudden I felt this overwhelming urge to find my parents and leave. When I got home, I felt better.

At this point, I stopped going to my parent's house. I stayed home and for a period of time. I didn't even leave my bedroom. My mom would come to my house and pick-up Lindsey and take her to her house. I was so alone and frightened.

I saw programs about panic disorder. I listened intently. They were describing what happened to me. There was a name for what I had: "Agoraphobia".

However, I soon discovered that knowing about the disorder didn't make it go away. And since I didn't know where to turn for help, things didn't get any better. I found doctors that prescribed a variety of tranquilizers, but they made things worse. As a result, I decided to live with the anxiety rather than the zombie fog of the tranquilizers.

Then I met my second husband, Clay. He was a very needy person. Since I couldn't help myself, helping him was my new project. It kept my mind off my problem.

I got pregnant with my second child. Now being completely housebound, I searched for a way to have my baby without leaving the house. I found a midwife and she came to the house for pre-natal visits.

We planned for a home birth. It didn't happen that way. Problems arose with the pregnancy. I had to go the hospital to try and have the baby turned. It didn't work. On the way home, I went into labor and my water broke. The ambulance was called, the babies heart wasn't beating, I had a prolapsed cord. At the hospital, they did a emergency C-section and my daughter, Kaydee, was born. It was a miracle, she was in the intensive care unit for sometime. She was premature, but healthy. Thank-GOD. I wasn't in very good shape, physically or mentally. I wanted out of the hospital, NOW!.

I came home with my new baby. Clay was sinking into drugs and alcohol. He was a very controlling, physically abusive man. He actually found pleasure in the fact that I was agoraphobic. The situation worsened, the arguments, constant upheaval, beatings-- my life was at the lowest point.

My daughters were suffering. Lindsey was a teenager and resented Clay and his sickness. I was losing her. Kaydee was scared and didn't understand what was going on. Things had to change. But how?

I got a computer for Lindsey, and soon found a library at my fingertips. I read everything I could find on panic disorders. I found support groups, other people to talk to. I wasn't alone anymore.