My Obsessively Clean Diary: June 2001

Quest for Freedom!

~ An insight into OCD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Dear Diary,

Summer's here and our British weather has been nice this week (hope it lasts!) I did a very brave thing for me yesterday, and only OCD'ers could appreciate how brave! I actually wore open toed sandals for the first time in years, arghhhhhhhh!!! My feet were exposed to all that contamination!

I'm continuing to do well with my OCD, but it's there and I'm made aware of that; sometimes more than others. The urge to go back and pull a door shut or touch something again because it didn't feel right will suddenly creep up on me and I hate it. I hate that I can be thinking about so many different things and yet there it is, just to remind me it's not gone away.

Last week, I got suddenly very upset when faced with something that reminded me very clearly of my old workplace. It surprised me how the wave of fear went through me and made me feel so scared and anxious. I won't let these tests knock me off track though. Instead, I see them as therapy, learning to face my fears no matter how much they affect me and having to deal with them and not see these moments as a terrible contamination problem, requiring hours of washing and avoidance of things forever after.

My friend just would not allow this to happen. I couldn't ask him to wash his hands and everything he touched after being in contact with this offensive object, because he would simply laugh at me and refuse! So, It seems, this is the type of person I need to have around me, and why my staying here has helped me so much.

I am hoping to have a holiday soon - the first one in years! My mum is going to visit my sister in America, and I am hoping to go with her. 1. My first holiday for years; 2. First time on a plane for years; and 3. First time I have seen my sister in years!

I'm hardly going to mention my marriage this entry. I am trying not to think too much about it all, (of course, that is virtually impossible) but I try to keep busy. He simply doesn't deserve the inclusion in my Diary anymore!

If I have anything else to add to this entry I will do later , but for now, take care everyone reading this, and thank you for your kindness and support. I really do appreciate it! :o)

Love ~Sani~

next: My Obsessively Clean Diary: July 2001