Quest for Freedom!

~ An insight into OCD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Dear Diary,

Happy Holidays everyone!

It's a week to go until Christmas Day! I am going to spend it with my Mum; which should be nice. I haven't really been looking forward to Christmas to be honest because of the significance of it, the memories of past one's, the depth of my feelings at this time of the year and, of course, the painful memory of last Christmas! But I will try and make it as good as I can, if only for my mum's sake. :0)

I hope I don't feel too down and am hoping the doctor might give me something to help with my low feelings over the holiday. It does worry me as I know only too well how awful they can be. My stomach gets all knotted just thinking about it. I know it will be hard. I know it will be upsetting and strange. As I told you last year, Christmas has always been very special to me and Phil; so many of them spent together and so many memories. We used to watch the weather forecasts leading up to the Big Day hoping for a white Christmas. Some years, it did manage to snow around the time ~ a bit before, or a bit after, but not on the actual day. This year, ironically, they think it may fall on the day itself!

I have been playing with my early Christmas present ~ Paintshop Pro 7, a graphic making programme and have been having fun making my own graphics and making a web site for them. Take a peek if you like.

I listened to a CD the other day and realised something that was nice. I had taken it on holiday with me. Instead of my regular music that I listen to bringing back memories of past times with "him," the tracks made me think of new memories with just me and my family. That was great because they made me smile rather than get upset!

I know this may sound awful, but I can't bear to think of him spending Christmas with someone else and having fun, because that's fun he should be and could be having with me! I think anyone reading this who has been left in a relationship will probably understand. I know it is supposed to get easier ... but it isn't yet!

Christmas can be very stressful for OCD sufferers, and so I hope if you reading this have OCD you can have as stress-free a Christmas as possible!

I hope everyone has a lovely, happy Christmas.
Ho Ho Ho! Loads of love and Christmas hugs to everyone, till next year! :0) ~Sani~ xx

next: My Obsessively Clean Diary: January 2002