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My Obsessively Clean Diary: August 2001 |
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Page 1 of 2 Quest for Freedom!
~ An insight into OCD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Dear Diary,
My OCD has been going so well for a long time now, hasn't it? So why am I sitting here then with tears rolling down my cheeks, and a feeling of morbid fear running through me? Is it that the OCD, which was improving so much, has decided to throw a bit of extreme fear in, to spice its life up a bit?
The day didn't start out too good. I have a lot of dreams involving Phil, and the one I woke up from this morning was 3 different versions of the same one. They were all about me and him attempting to get back together.
In the first one, it was obvious straight away that this wasn't what he wanted, and it soon ended unhappily. The second was about me telling him that he had done me a favour, and that I had been far better off without him. The third and last was us both connecting well again and starting to relax with each other and have fun, and so it seemed it was going to work out fine. We were even laughing together! Of course, that's great if it's true, but when you wake up and find it's NOT, then it's not so good!
Anyway, I got up and had breakfast and was in the kitchen when my friend came up to me and brushed a label on my arm, and then gave it to me to look at. As soon as I did, I felt ill. I instantly recognised it as something connected with where I used to work and at that moment I felt absolutely pettrified. I went numb and weak and didn't quite know what to do.
We talked about it, over and over, and I, of course, got told that it couldn't possibly hurt me even if it were connected and how silly I was being. Of course, I know that's true. The awful thing is, I can't do anything about it. Anyway, they now have a connection with where my friend works and have done all the time I've been here and they will have in the future. No amount of washing or avoiding is going to change that fact.
Talking it through at length helped and after delaying it for a long time, I was allowed to go and wash my hair and change my top. The compulsion to do so had been so strong, like I was addicted to something and had to get my fix. I felt a lot better then for a while. It kept coming into my mind all the time though and I had to keep pushing it back out again. I knew I was doing amazingly well.
I recently got a Dolls house, ( a grown up one!!) and went to a shop to get some furniture and stuff. It was constantly with me but I just had to deal with it because I had and have no option. My friend won't do any of the washing and avoiding of things that Phil would do, so even if I wash until I'm red raw, I shall just get "contaminated" again just as quick.
So, now I have to get over this. I've come so far and a part of me wants to just give up and throw the towel in. I gave it my best shot but I'm just not cut out for "normal" living. Part of me just wants to retreat into a corner somewhere and totally give up.
I know that for my fellow OCD'ers reading this who have mailed me in the past saying how much I have encouraged and inspired them, this is going to sound awful. After all, I had been doing so well and I go on about how we must stay determined and never give up but......I have to be honest with you, sometimes that's very, very difficult. Right now is very difficult. On top of that, it's at times like these that I feel most alone and miss the closeness of me and Phil. Although his way of giving in to me and the OCD was wrong, we were together in it all, and I regret all the times when something far far less "contaminated" had happened and we would have to wash and avoid things forever after. I hate this illness, and how totally unfair it is, I hate and dispise it.
For now though, I just feel sooo tired and desperately need to sleep. My mind, it seems has had enough for one day and needs to shut down for a while. Those of you reading who have OCD will know exactly what this fear I have feels like, and I'm so glad you do and are there. At least I know I'm not alone in this feeling, a feeling so intense that you just want to switch off, shut down and forget about it.
I shall add more tomorrow and tell you how the day after feels. I pray it feels better. Nite nite folks.
Love ~Sani~
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Last Updated( Apr 30, 2009 )
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reviewed by: Harry Croft, MD
Psychiatrist, HealthyPlace.com Medical Director
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