Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Tammy"

Hi my name is "Tammy" and I do believe I have obsessive compulsive disorder as well as general anxiety disorder.

I remember as a small child I was continually preoccupied with weather or not we had enough food in the house, if we were running low on something I would stress until my mother replenished the supply. This still holds true 25 years later. I can not run out of any household supplies or I feel overwhelmed. I also have an obsession with fire I am 28 years old and have never lit a lighter or match. I remember whenever my mother would have a small grease fire on the stove, I would run out into the street to get away from the fire. I would not return until I was certain that the fire was out. While a teenager I remember never being able to fall asleep until my father woke up, I was prone to stay up and fire watch to keep us all safe. My obsession with fire has somewhat subsided, only due to the fact that I control my house environment with four smoke alarms, a CO2 detector, and fire extinguishers. And even though I know in my mind that is plenty my instincts tell me I need more.

My other obsession is with death. Everyday I am plagued with thoughts of death, that of loved ones and/or myself. I vision how I, as well as others, would cope. I can't shake the feelings of sorrow and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to rid my head of these thoughts. I am sick. I worry continually about the actions I am taking as if they are my last, or someone I care abouts last. I never want to end anything on a bad note, for fear that I may never see them again due to death. I perform ritualistic tasks so that every time I leave everything will be constant. People think I am crazy. Am I? I also have doubt in myself, did I remember to lock the door? I can not rest until I get up and check my self every time the though enters my head, I feel that if I do not check this time it would be the time that I should have. The same goes for the stove, the water supplies in the basement, saying my prayers and thanking the Lord. If I think it I must do it, or it consumes me.

I am afraid of driving and every day my fear gets worse. I am afraid of having an accident, hurting someone else or hurting myself. I hardly drive now as a result and I have to be drove to work for two reasons the fear of driving and the ritual to keep things the same. When I do drive I am on edge afraid to do anything but drive straight. Turns, merges, lane changes bring on panic and the shakes. If by rare occasion I do drive I am afraid to take passengers for fear of getting them hurt in an accident. I also fear of making mistakes and not being perfect. It effects me because I try so hard at everything I appear clumsy. It is that I am only trying to do it as fast and perfect as possible so that I please people. My relationships have failed because I loved too much, and I now seek to get help and control from the monster within me, so I can regain my life. I want it back. And I hope it is not too late. I don't know if my loved ones understand. They tease me and say I am nuts, if they only knew how close I am to that. They would eat their words.

I also have general Anxiety Disorder, I can't stop planning everyday tasks. Not while visiting friends and family, while working, resting, relaxing or sleeping. The everyday routines hang in my thoughts. I plan out even the smallest details, and think about the what if's. I plan for them too. I worry about stuff that the normal person would just do or not do. Dishes, dusting, making the bed etc., etc. all while working a full time job, I force myself to stay on top of all of this, to the point that I never get time to myself, because I never have enough time to squeeze everything in so it gets pushed off on to the next day and then with even more stuff to do I am even more stressed out. This cycle never ends I am never done! Everyday it is something.

I have not turned to illegal drugs or alcohol yet, I have no addiction there, I have started taking Paxil but it is too soon to tell if this will help, I do feel better and I need to get on the right track to recovery.

next: "Tina's Story"