ob·ses·sion 1 : a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly : compelling motivation 2 : something that causes an obsession com·pul·sion 1 a : an act of compelling : the state of being compelled b : a force that compels 2 : an irresistible impulse to perform an irrational act Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Though under-employed, I was able to hold a job and eventually remarried and adjusted to not being able to do most of the things I wanted. So life continued until my drinking became more problematic than the reasons I was drinking.

Then I got sober.

When I did, everything fell apart. Along with experiencing all of those thing's one goes through in recovery from alcoholism, the OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) exploded, wildly out of control. For the first time I sought help. I did not know that what I had was a disorder or that others had it or that there was treatment available. I just thought I was crazy.

It's been ten years now since diagnosis and the start of treatment. I have tried all the current medications(5) singly and in combinations and Behavior Therapy(6). Success has been fleeting and temporary but I have not yet lost hope. Since that time I lost my career and the ability to hold even the most meaningless job. The OCD I strive to manage is considered severe, there is virtually no time during the day that it is not effecting my life. Not only am I a "washer," but I have "pure" or raw obsessions also. That aspect, the raw obsession, is probably the most distressing. I have no obvious, or at least successful behavior to stop the obsessing. There is no obvious behavior to confront, so treatment with behavior modification is hard to define. But today is a new day.

That's the tale, in part. I do not know in what directions it will go, nor do I know the end. I will admit that the minimal gains I have made in reducing the symptoms of the disorder have been discouraging, especially when most people are able to achieve significant improvement with treatment. I will not despair. Today I know, most of the time, that the OCD is not me. It is just something that effects me. I can fight against that fact or apply the energy that would require to taking back my life each day. I have been able to achieve a measure of peace and am not unhappy. There is more to this tale, much more.

Over time, as these pages change more will appear. Some of it is found now on my other pages. It is my hope that this page, my story, will help to increase awareness. If one person, in stopping by here, finds something of themselves and seeks help, then the reasons for this page are met.

next: Dual Diagnosis