Like most people with OCD contamination fears, I clearly knew that I was being irrational, but it didn't matter, the OCD had a life of it's own and it would always win. And those of us with OCD contamination fears can come up with the most far-fetched and crazy "beliefs" on how we could become contaminated, most of them totally flying in the face of reality. That's one of the hardest things with OCD is that for the most part, we are completely lucid. We KNOW what we are thinking and doing is crazy, but we can't stop. So not only do we deal with the horrors of the OCD, we struggle greatly with our own sense of self esteem because we cannot control the OCD.

Somehow during all this HIV/AIDS craziness, I was still able to marry, work and have a child. It was not easy, it never was. Medical treatment for me was a nightmare and I did absolutely everything I could to avoid it. Just walking into a physicians office for me, meant a future HIV test. At this time, I was under the care of doctors who were well aware of the problems that I had although it would be some time before I would hear "OCD". My internist kept me on an antidepressant called "Sinequan" and I did receive some small measure of relief from that.

One day, while reading a new book on AIDS (I amassed quite a library on the subject!), I read that there are some people that get tested over and over for HIV because they suffer from what is called - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The book further stated that HIV testing wasn't their "real" problem, the "real" problem was the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I could NOT believe it! They were talking about me! I felt the sky opened up to me at that moment! It would take a few more years and more research on my part to finally ask my Doctor about trying Prozac, which I had found out about by researching OCD and it seemed promising. Well, I can honestly say, that the from the very first day I took Prozac, I experienced a true miracle in my life.

Like many, if not most people with severe OCD, I have several OCD things that hang around in my life. I do some counting, I do ALOT of checking. I actually had one 5 year rather intricate nightly checking ritual that mysteriously disappeared by 2nd day on Prozac. It was AMAZING! And my contamination fears about HIV lessened and lessened and although not completely leaving me, the nearly incapacitating grip that it held over my life ceased. I was a new person, a fairly "normal" person, something that I never in my whole life thought I'd ever be. I was able to pursue my goals and dreams with wild abandon and I did and still do, just that.

I have an extremely HIGH level of functioning for ANYONE, much less someone with OCD. I am a dedicated athlete, I travel with my sport, I coach children. I have gathered alot of accolade and notoriety with my sport and what I have done in it and with it. I'm well known enough in my town and state, that for now, I choose not to reveal exactly what sport I'm in as I do coach children and at this point in my life, I would do nothing that could in any way jeopardize that. Unfortunately, we still live in a society that does NOT understand mental illness and neurological disorders and those of us with such problems are VERY likely to experience misunderstanding and prejudice.

Some day, I would like to come totally "clean" with my OCD and Tourettes because the vast majority of people that know me will be absolutely stunned. No one would ever guess what a struggle life has been for me. People see me as accomplished and very "together", many probably would not even believe me if I did tell them! But I think my story would be important for others out there who are also struggling with OCD. My story is one of hope and I hope that just by telling this small part of my story, that I can help someone out there with OCD who reads it.

Do I still have OCD? You bet! OCD is as much a part of me and who I am as the tics I have from Tourettes. I still count, I still check, I still wash my hands pretty darn good, but the level of which it interferes with my life is "acceptable" to me. Sure, it would NEVER be acceptable to a "normal" person (and I use that term loosely), but to me, it's a miracle! At least for me and my OCD, the right medication made all the difference in the world and I encourage everyone with OCD to NEVER give up. If you've tried all the medicines, try all the new ones that come out. We are gaining alot of information about OCD and I'm confident that new and even more promising treatments lie ahead.

Most of all, I would like other OCD'ers to know that you are NOT alone and you are definitely NOT crazy. If this is what your being told, ignore it, it is NOT the truth. Love yourself, believe in yourself and NEVER stop trying to tame this wild animal inside us called OCD.

Mary

next: "Michael"