Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Lizzy"

I must follow the procedure, because if I don't something really bad may happen.

I must articulate my speech perfectly and descriptively, or you may not fully understand me, and something bad may happen.

I must be sure to choose the Right menu item, or I will hate my meal and then I will be stuck with it.

I must place these objects just So, at just the right distance and angle on the table or shelf. They must be sitting in perfect relation to each other. They must be of the same theme. They must not clash in color scheme. Height must always be considered carefully when determining layout. Lighting is also a very important factor. How will it look during the day or at night. Will I still like it in a week?

When I need to accomplish a goal, It becomes a project. I must first define the end result, then I have to consider all the possible ways of reaching the goal, then the real obsession begins. I begin creating lists, next comes the most important part....I MUST determine All the possible outcomes, good and bad, so that I can plan for them. I plan everything out before I make a move. If I need to clean the house, I will sit and look around the room at all the objects that need to be moved. I will decide in what order I will move them and to precisely where. This can get pretty time consuming, but nothing will get moved until this is all satisfactorily mapped out in my head. I have known myself to sit there trying to figure out where one single object will go, for up to 30, sometimes even 60 minutes. I always seem to do EVERYthing the hard way, and I do not know why.

That brings me to another part of my behavior. I have been the " WHY " kid as far back as I can remember. I always want to know why. If my boss says to me: " I had to change your schedule " I have to ask why. If she says: " I don't want you to do it that way, I want you to do it this way" I say to her: " Ok, I will respect your wishes, but could you please tell me WHY you need me to do it that way? "

I have a ten year old son, who has been diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD, and OCD. He does not currently live with me, but will be coming to live with me in the near future. I began searching out information on his conditions and found that I related to so much of what I read. Frankly this scares me. I have always felt like there was something wrong with me, but I did not know what. I fear seeking help because I am afraid that I will be put on medications and or put in a mental health facility. Logically I know that the latter is not too likely. I have suffered from bouts of severe depression as far back as at least 3. This is also when I developed a high level of rage. I have kept this rage bottled up inside for many years. I used to have rage attacks when I was sure I was alone. I would just freak out and start thrashing a pair of jeans against the corner of a wall or on the floor. Often this would be triggered by something as simple as...I can't figure out what to wear. I would do it over and over until I felt it was all out of me. Then I would do heavy negative self talk. " What is wrong with you? " " Why can't you just figure this out, this is so stupid. Just put something on" The problem I was having was that I could not make up my mind what to wear...what if it was wrong. What if I didn't pick something warm enough. What if I dressed inappropriately for an event and on and on. I seem to have grown out of that one somewhere along the line, but is it typical of my thinking. It is always about: " What if I do it wrong, what if I make the wrong choice, what if I say the wrong thing?" I am always second guessing myself, over-planning, needing to know why.

I ran the streets from age 16 to age 19. I was an addict from the first day I left home. I used like it would be my last high and I better get as high or drunk as I can. This really seemed to help me at first, so I thought, but in the end it would take me down. I landed in the program of A.A. in late 1993 or early 1994. It would take me 4 years to stay in the rooms. I now have two years sober.

After reading much of the information that is on these pages, I have a strong feeling that I have discovered what it is that contributed to tearing my life asunder. Now I am afraid, afraid that someone will find out. More than that, afraid of what will happen if someone finds out. What if ? There is also a part of me that wants to tell someone so that I have a chance at being at least partially free of my own racing thought patterns. I am 31 and I am so tired.

Through the work I have done in recovery I have gotten over some of my problems and my life is Far better than it has ever been. Maybe there is hope it could be tremendously better. But first I will have to conquer my fears around speaking out and telling someone who could help me. There is a saying in the program, it is from the basic text of N.A. page 54 : If we don't tell someone we are hurting, they will seldom see it. When we reach out for help, we can receive it.

I bet I have read this page from the beginning at least 30 times. Each time I added a new bit of info, I would go back to the top and re-read the whole document to see if it read smoothly, to see if I was leaving something out, to see if it sounded stupid. I ran the spell check over the entire document about 10 times. Now I am about to mail it and I worry if I have written enough or written it in a clear manner. Funny....This leaves me with little doubt that I have OCD and it sort of makes me laugh. Yes, I am laughing....a great big belly laugh...out of sheer relief.

next: "Lisa from New York"