Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Laura"

In reading your story about when you were a kid sitting by the fire, it reminded me of some of my episodes. There are no existing thoughts or problems of your own and then someone makes a remark, or in my case I see something on TV, and then poof, an OCD fire starts from a small spark and before I know it the flames begin to spread and rage into a recalcitrant, obsessive wild fire. I think people with OCD are so sensitive and impressionable. Your website leads me to believe that you're very creative. Are you? I feel as though I am, and I sometimes wonder if that's a contributing factor as well????

I have had several horrible, gut-wrenching, terrifying episodes that usually get resolved, and then thankfully, in retrospect, I can see the utter ridiculousness of them. The craziest one, and I find this absolutely hilarious now, was the whole Jeffrey Dahmer thing. My first reaction to hearing about him was shock and disgust. And then I'd keep seeing it and seeing it on TV and it was so upsetting. And then I'd think, How the hell did THAT ever cross his mind? What would make anyone want to do that? And then I thought, "OH MY GOD!!!! COULD I EVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? COULD I EVER BE THAT HEINOUS? HOW DO I KNOW I'M NOT CAPABLE OF THAT? HOW DO I KNOW? HOW DO I KNOW? HOW DO I KNOOOOOOOWWW?"

And of course, I told myself, "Duh. Why are you even questioning that? You could never, would never. If Jeffrey Dahmer had not appeared on TV, you would not be having this obsession -- the thought wouldn't EVER have entered your mind." But then I'd start obsessing again. I think what happens is that I see or hear about something horrific and it just scares me to death, and I need to prove to myself and know that I am GOOD and that I could never be as bad as what I've just heard about or seen. So that's an example of an episode. That one didn't last long. Maybe a month or so because it was completely retarded and easy to resolve. And so it goes with the scary episodes -- all usually resolved, some take longer than others, but they usually go away.

And then there are my on-going obsessions which are all tied to fear of disease and other health-related issues and then ultimately death. Which I think also sort of ties in to my religion issue. For the life of me I can't come to terms with religion. I'm constantly ruminating and never getting anywhere -- I'm just spinning my wheels. Faith, where there are no mental gymnastics involved, must be such a beautiful gift. I wholeheartedly believe in God, mostly because I see evidence of God. I see it in the miracle of birth, in that special interconnectedness you find with some people and in the beauty of nature. Especially dogs. Yep, dogs. I think it's so amazing that you can love a dog and he can love you back and you're not even the same species!

For a person who wants to KNOW and wants mathematical certitude in knowing, I really do like the fact that God, even though I know he's present, seems a bit nebulous at the same time. I can deal with that. It's Jesus that has me stumped -- and He is what I ruminate about. How do I know He's the Son of God? OK, so maybe He is the Son of God, but then how do I know that He's the ONLY Son of God, what if 100 years before Jesus, God came to earth as some little Japanese guy or something and nobody ever wrote it down? And what if Jesus was just a historical figure? Just a man. Will God be pissed that people believed in Jesus and not directly in him? And if Jesus really is the God's son, why did God need a blood sacrifice -- His child's life -- to prove that He loves people? It seems mean and unnecessary. Jesus might be the Son of God, but He might not be. How do you know? I think it's amazing that some people just believe. And I wonder if they really believe, or if they're afraid to delve too deeply and have their beliefs shaken. I want do the right thing, and in this case I don't know what the right thing is to believe, so I just believe in my vague God. So, it's stuff like that. And it never goes away. It's been going on for years and years, but sometimes, for whatever reason, I won't think about it for several moths. This part of OCD is not distressing, I just consider it to be part of my nature.

The disease stuff is hard sometimes. I have had AIDS, multiple sclerosis, multiple myeloma, lymphoma, several brain tumors, ovarian cancer and colon cancer -- in my mind. If I read about something, I have it. If I have some sort of symptom and pursue it in a medical book, there's never a simple or logical reason, I always end up thinking I have something dire and then I make all of my symptoms worse. My doctor said to me, "Laura, every time you see hoof prints, you look for the zebra instead of the horse!" And then she forbade me to look up stuff in medical journals anymore. (I have been a good girl and have heeded her advice.)

Unfortunately, my husband truly does have cancer. He was diagnosed nearly four years ago. When he was diagnosed, I freaked, but then I was totally able to channel my energy into research and into worrying about something REAL. I believe my OCD was gone and I did OK unmedicated throughout that period. (What he has is incurable. He did very well with treatment and is in a strong partial remission. Researchers believe that they may, within the decade, be able to make his disease a long term manageable condition that you die with and not from.)