"Jean"

Hi, My name is "Jean" and I have been suffering from OCD since I was 6 years old but was never diagnosed with it until my 20's.

I would have these awful obsessions and didn't understand why and with time they turned into checking rituals, and hand washing rituals...and then to religious rituals...reading my Bible all the time and praying praying...I also suffer from major depression....then at 19 a even worse of a nightmare of this disease started....straight from Hell it came I know...these terrible, awful, deranged thoughts about God...and keep in mind I do love God and fear him....and I know he can do any and all things to me...but these are very much unwanted thoughts and I don't have a clue where they came from or why they started...its pure Hell on earth for me....everyday I get up and these awful thoughts start....always about God and Satan...and a WHOLE LOT OF SELF DESTRUCTIVE THOUGHTS...wishing horrible things on myself and NO I don't mean them, they - the thoughts, just keep coming and coming over and over like a broken tape player....I have these horrible thoughts of trying to control God when I know in reality I can not control him, that He is in control and can do anything to me...that my life is in his hands not totally mine...its a lot of different thoughts and I don't really want to get too specific about what they really are, because they are really embarrassing and insane...I am scared that if I don't soon conquer or learn how to effectively cope with these obsessions, that I will lose my mind and have to be put away...the thoughts are always terrible about God and towards him and self destructive towards myself and just all kinds of sick awful things concerning God and I don't understand why and why I cant make them go away or combat them...its really sick and I don't know how much longer I can survive this insanity...I am 38 years old and have tried all kinds of medications, counseling, talking to Pastors...you name it I have tried it, except ECT and of course surgery....I wonder if hypnotherapy would help me....does anyone have any suggestions and another thing is I have not met anyone who deals with these same type of obsessions so that makes me feel even worse, I feel like the worse person and sinner ever created....I hate myself....its like I am trapped in my own prison and its a battle everyday....live...die......suicide enters my mind everyday...I am scared to do it though, for fear I would go to HELL literally....its just pure torment every waking hour and I know God must hate me and is really gonna punish me bad cuz of these thoughts...I live in a state of constant fear of life and death......

Can ANYONE OUT THERE RELATE???