Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Hillary"

I think it was approximately1989 when I first experienced OCD behavior. I didn't recognize it as such but now, thinking back, it was OCD.

I worked in a pizza store and was put in charge of closing the place down at night. I found myself checking the ovens the locks, the safe and All appliances (even the refrigerator doors) several times over. This was very aggravating for the person closing w/me but VERY embarrassing for me, but I just couldn't help it. I would often get home and then drive back to the restaurant to check the door to make sure that I locked it, get in my car, sit there for a few minutes and get out and check the door again. I would do this over and over a few more times before I could finally go home. At home the rituals continued, I had to check the curling iron, all the knobs on the stove, the front and back door locks and my daughters breathing several times before going to bed.

After I re-married, I still did all of the above and much more. Before I could give my kids any medicine, I would read the dosage over end over and then measure it out and study the amount in the medicine spoon before I could give it to them. I also had a similar ritual when taking medicine myself. Another big thing w/me was, I would be driving down the road and thoughts of my having an accident would invade my brain. First, I would imagine the accident itself, I would be pretty busted up but the kids would be fine, then I would wonder how long it would be before we were found, how long it would be before my husband would be contacted and who would watch the kids while my husband came to the hospital to be w/me and on and on, this would happen almost every time I would drive. Sometimes I would have thoughts of my husband or one of my kids dying and couldn't stop until every tiny detail of their funeral was thought out. I was left feeling very sad, depressed, and tired.

I'm now taking 150mg of Zoloft and 30 mg of Buspar per day. I still have the rituals but the urgency to perform them has lessened considerably and the depressing thoughts are almost non-existent! The biggest problem I have now is forgetfulness, especially if asked where I put an important paper or asked to repeat important details of a conversation. I think the pressure of having to remember something important for someone else just causes my brain to shut down. At least my husband has learned that he must exercise great patience w/ me or matters just get worse. He really is great.

next: "Jane"