Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Heather"

My name is Heather, and I suffer from OCD. My story is much like the ones I read. My OCD revolves around UNWANTED thoughts. I have had it all my life, in many different manifestations. I am 23.

It reached its worst point around 20-21. I was obsessed about diseases. HIV was a huge deal and at times still is, though I have been tested and am fine. I was bed ridded with this disorder. I could not touch certain colors. If I touched a dark color it would make the evil thoughts worse, but a light color was too good to touch. That happened one day when I was trying to put on socks. It grew into a fear of knives and the thoughts that what if I went crazy and hurt somebody. I hated it . A brown handled knife. A black handled knife. I was convinced I was dying from AIDS, and multiple sclerosis. I had my head buried in a medical book for I don't know how many months. I lay down for so long that getting up made my legs tingle. I looked up the symptom and came up with MS. And on And on. I spent hours terrified. I kept a religious candle lit by my bed ready to die. I started reading the bible to save my soul. I was dying. If not in true body than my mind was killing me.

My mother showed me strength and we learned together. I have had very supportive friends too. I went for help. I was put on Luvox after Serzone and Paxil. I have also struggled with eating disorders. I went off my medication and therapy one year ago this month. (Feb) and this month I had an attack. All bad thoughts came back. I was paralyzed with fear. I felt like I was spiraling back down into that bad dark place my mind sheltered. I went for an appointment today and am currently back on the Luvox I never finished taking. (they have not expired.)

This disease is scary. I hate it. I want it to go away. I am not looking forward to restarting therapy . My old psychologist has moved and I am scared the new one will want to put me away or something. I know I'm not alone, but at the same time support is hard to find. Your family goes through so much. You feel guilty for the way you are. You cant run away from your own mind. It's there. I'm ok. I'm struggling but I'm trying.

People with OCD don't want to be like this. You always fight to convince yourself that its ok, and that it will pass, but it comes back. I didn't think it would. I thought I could keep it away, but I just found out I was wrong. If you have this keep going. Don't turn back. Don't look away. Always look forward. I'm going through it too. My old psychologist told me something that helped pull me out the first time," think of your mind like a river . Let the thoughts flow by you'll never step in the same river twice." It was just a little something that stuck with me. I have much more to say about this, but for now I'll just wait to see if someone gets it. Don't stop trying. Its not your fault.

Heather

next: "Hillary"