Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Eric"

my name is eric and i have had ocd all my life.. It finally started controlling me and i ended up in a mental hospital twice.. I saw the movie girl interrupted and it changed my view of things..

I realized that if i was ever going to get off medications or control my life i would have to do it. The doctor could not help, family could not help and the hospital could not help. Most of the therapy that i had been going too ended up just repeating itself over and over. when i saw the movie i made a decision to get off meds and find the answers myself.

That movie Girl interrupted is a trigger for some people. I just learned that no one is going to pull me out of the pit...i had to climb out on my own

I took myself off meds gradually. I did have a lot of return symptoms.. not sleeping at night and my head start to doubt everything again and the rush of ideas that bombarded my head...

I have learned to cut it off. when these ideas start i will try to shift gears and get my mind on something else.

I am also a self injure person. i have cut my wrist before, i have cuts that needed stitches on my arms and i have overdosed twice trying to kill the inside by killing the outside...but in turn i end up back where i started so i had to change my thinking

Do not get me wrong. I still have this little voice in my head that tells me i am worthless and that i need to die. I just tell this voice (i do not hear voices it is me telling me things) that i will not give into it anymore..

I have to have everything in order.. and everything in a certain place or i feel out of control. I have started to just allow my children to have their rooms as they like it as long as it is clean not the way i think of clean but clean as a normal person would see it.

I have come a very long way and i am starting to feel good about myself again.

My marriage had suffered because i was on so much si inhibitors that i could not function properly as a male should. My wife had to deal with all of this...but it has gotten better since i got off the meds and i also started exercising, reading etc..

When i have down days i see them as down days and that is it. tomorrow will be better...If i allowed myself to think that life was over for me..i get deeper into that pit.

Yes, i still have ocd and PTSD.....but i will not ever allow myself to go into that pit again.. once i get in it i go deeper and deeper...

My main reason to write this is to offer hope for my brothers and sisters out there. I know that we are not all the same and that things appear easier to some than others.. I have had a very ruff life and i have never been free of all these feelings of self worth and doubt...

I have accepted the fact that i have mental problems.. (some say that i am crazy.. ha).. I just know by facing my problem and dealing with it and making it part of me instead of running and hiding from it.. i can lead a better life..

I now live my life day to day moment by moment and i have stopped comparing myself to others and to replace the negative with the positive.. take care and god bless..

eric

next: "Fred"