Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Aaron"

I guess it really all started when I was about 8 or 9, I remember some nights I would get really warm, and I could not stop laughing, I also remember having these odd feelings at school like someone else was in my head. During the times I was sick I would have delusions and hallucinations. All of this was blamed on me being asthmatic and just a generally sick child.

As I look back on the many things that have happened in my child hood I think I always had OCD. I remember having blinking compulsions or "Ticks". I remember counting my breaths, or trying to make them even by taking the same air in and out every time. If I did a motion with my left hand I would have to do the same with my right to "Even It Out'. I even remember a time where I would stop, close my eyes, and say a prayer. Because I was sure if I didn't I was going to go to hell.

The year of my thirteenth birthday my parents got divorced and I had to move from my house in the country to a Condo in the city with my mother and sister. During this time I discovered Drugs, and alcohol and Sex. I think I pretty much suppressed my OCD during those years since I was so high all the time.

At 17 I was in so much trouble with the school and the police my mother made me move in with my father. I had a hard time adjusting to it, but I cleaned up my act, and I found a nice girl who really liked me. I fell in love with her. After graduation I could not figure out what to do, so I sat around the house for a few months. During that time my dad was working out of state and I only saw him once a week. This is really where the story begins.

During these months I began obsessing about HIV, for a few weeks I was so obsessed with it that I tried everything I could to get a blood test done. Back then it was not so common, and so easy to do. I could not seem to get anyone to give me a test. After a few weeks of anxiety and obsession I just let it go. Its funny with OCD you don't decide when to let it go. It just goes.

One night, shortly after my HIV crisis, my girlfriend and I decided to go to a movie. I ordered a hot dog from the snack counter. I walked over to the condiments table, which was made of steel. I pulled the hot dog out of the package and set part of it on the counter. I then thought "Oh No what if there is Aids on my hot dog now". I dismissed the idea, and went into see the film. My Girlfriend asked me for a bite of the hot dog. I gave her one and then though "Oh no what if there is AIDS on it". I then took a bite myself and ate the entire thing.

I remember driving back from the theater thinking "I am going to worry about this tomorrow"

I went to bed and when I woke up the events of the night before where not even on my mind. My girlfriend had stayed the night. After she got up and left for work the thoughts began. I started with "She could have gotten Aids" then it turned to "I tried to give her AIDS", then it turned in to "I tired to kill her". I was so freaked out, my mind was going a million miles per hour, and I could not understand how this could be true. I remember running down the hall into the bathroom and looking in the mirror. I looked funny and everything moved kind of choppy. I was thinking I loved her? I would not do that. It seemed so real. For 6 months those thoughts consumed my life, they consumed my actions. Many different battles where fought in my mind. I thought I was a horrible person that deserved to go to jail. I thought I had attempted murder. Yet part of me fought that though every single time I had it, over and over and over all day long with not real relief from it. It is very hard to deal with the thoughts that I was trying to kill my girlfriend; I did not see how it was possible, yet I had to believe it. Every time I would think it out and tell myself it was okay and I did nothing wrong, another voice would say "quite trying to convince yourself you're innocent"

I was embarrassed by all of this but it did not stop me from telling my girlfriend, and my family and friends. I guess I though if they told me I was wrong and being silly it would help. Sure enough everyone I told said those types of thoughts are normal and that everyone has them. They also told me I was a good person and that what I did was not bad. Still it did not help.

I ended up losing my girlfriend over it, and got an apartment with some friends. After about 6 months I was feeling better but not great and still having anxiety problems. After about a year I was pretty much okay but I had to make sure when I had a weird thought enter my mind, I put a positive counter thought right on top of it and then tried to ignore any resistance. This worked well for a while. I had a few set backs with my new girl friend but nothing that lasted longer then a few weeks.