My mother died from Cancer in 1996, a few days after the funeral the old friend returned. This time it was my inner voice saying, "I don't know where I am", that was a hard one, It really confused me, I new where I was but my mind told me I was lost. I had some of the heaviest anxiety I have ever had, I don't think I left my bed for a few weeks accept to eat and use the bathroom. I felt like I could not breathe, I would throw up even if I had not eaten. This lasted for about 4 months, and then gradually got better over the next 2 years.

Here I am now, in 2000, almost 2001. I have had a few health problems but other then that I have been pretty happy. Last month I stated having the weird thoughts again. I had convinced myself I swallowed a battery and that was why I was so sick. I went to the hospital and made up a story so I could get x-rays. Sure enough no battery, well you can't argue with x-ray so my mind let that one go. Things bothered me on and off through October and November.

This month (December 2000) I had an old friend over he brought his computer and we played game for a while. I was drinking a cup of Tea, and my friend said, "That looks good can I have a cup?" So I went to get him a cup but the entire cup where in the sink. So I washed one out, with soap and a sponge. Then I heard the old voice again. Did you wash it enough? This could kill him? Now this makes no sense no matter what was on that cup it would not make him sick let alone kill him after I washed it in hot water with soap. I quickly blew it off and gave him the tea. For some reason I hesitate I guess I did not want to worry about it. Sure enough, I started worrying about it. The next day was hard, but I was dealing with it, I did not think it would bother me for long. Then later that night a similar thing with a bag of potato chips happened, I forgot about it, then I went into the kitchen and noticed that there where less chips in the bag then there where before I went into my room. My roommate ate some. Once again I started freaking out, but I was dealing with it. The next night I happened again with a container of water, then it was getting harder to deal with, I was having anxiety and what I call Cloudy Brain. I though I might have to move out and get away from my friend and my roommate because I felt so guilty.

Then a good friend of mine came over a few days later I was feeling a little better and thought I could deal with the situation. I though to myself God I hope I dint do something that makes me worry about Him. Sure enough it happened again. This time with a soda from Jack In The Box. I wanted to just throw the soda out and buy him a new one, But I was worried about looking like a freak in front of him, and I was also worried about giving into my compulsion. Now I wish I would have.

Each of these 4 times I reinforced my bad thoughts with positive ones. Telling myself "there is nothing wrong with it"That has done well for me over the years. I feel like something inside was mad that I was defeating it. 4 times in one week nothing like that has ever happened before. Now I am feeling Bad, really bad. I am 25 and thinking about moving home with my dad for a while. I love my friends but I feel weird around them. I told my Dad everything but I have not told my friends, there is really nothing to tell.

My mind keeps saying, "You tried to kill your friends" I know it's not true but part of me doubts it. I am a very passive peace loving person. I hate guns, and violence makes me sick. I know I am not capable of willfully hurting someone I care about or even someone I don't care about. Even if I wanted to I would be afraid of how it would make me feel.

So here I am sitting on my computer feeling completely out of sorts, my mind is busy I can tell, I am suppressing what it is doing the best I can, but the thoughts are still there making me feel bad. What's worse is I don't know if I can get though this and keep my friends around.

Its one thing when you think there is something wrong with you; it's another when you think you are hurting other people. Its funny everyone I have talked to with OCD has never really thought about suicide. We are strong, I for one am a fighter, and if it takes me to my last breath I will not give up. I am clean and sober and have been for 6 years. I have to admit it is harder to deal with without drugs to give you a little relief, but no way am I going back down that road NO WAY!!!

For me Psychologist and Meds have never helped, I am thinking about going back to a Dr. I will probably give it a few more months though. I hope all of you out there suffering find a way to get through it. It is hard and it is tuff and even though you know others are suffering all over the world at this very moment you feel Alone.

One thing I think of to make me feel better is that someday I will be happy I picture my wife and children whom I don not have. I picture my house in Montana and my dogs. It is something to work for.

Reading books and taking hot baths also helps me, and forcing myself to do things my brain does not want to do helps also.

Well I am back in the Hole remembering what life was like just 3 months ago, remembering the wonderful nights I spend in Hollywood with a lost love from my teenage years. That the worst thing, remembering what life was like, seeing it in front of you, but trapped in the prison your mind has created for you. I'm starting the long climb up, I may fall on the way up, but I will get there. All of us will.

next: "Brandi"