The nature of social anxieties requires that you focus primary attention on your evaluations -- of yourself, your behaviors, how you perceive that others judge you, and your imagined consequences of those judgments. The first steps toward change include recognizing and confronting the destructive patterns of self-talk that I label the Negative Observer. You will then need to develop a new way of rationally and respectfully addressing your intentions through the voice I call the Supportive Observer. As I will discuss later, you cannot improve by only facing your feared events. (I am sure you already know this from experience.) You must also focus your resources on mentally vocalizing support for your desire to fit comfortably into your community. This will require that you first challenge your current way of negative thinking.

Listening for the negative thoughts

Worried, self-critical and hopeless comments for the Negative Observer flourish within the mind of the socially anxious person. Some statements are a combination of worried and hopeless comments. Instead of the typical "what if...?" question of the person who fears panic attacks, your comments sound more like a statement of hopelessness. "What if I won't be able to answer their questions?" becomes "I'm sure I won't be able to aworried and hopeless commentsnswer their questions." "What if everyone notices that I'm sweaty and nervous?" becomes "I'm sure everyone will notice that I'm sweaty and nervous." Instead of being uncertain about the outcome, you declare that the negative outcome will, in fact, occur. This becomes a much stronger negative voice. You are certain it is reflective of the truth, and you then worry about the inevitable consequences. If you forge ahead into the feared situation, you are likely to be more frightened than others. This is because you are already predicting the dreaded failure and even calculating the dire costs you will pay in humiliation and rejection. Because you combine your worried thoughts with your hopeless comments, you are also more likely to avoid these situations instead of face them.

Here are more examples of the worried/hopeless combination of Negative Observer thoughts:

• I've got to quit this position, because I'll certainly keep failing.
• This will never work. Everyone will notice.
• I'll look like a fool.
• I won't be able to think of anything to say.
• I'll humiliate myself.
• I can't do it! I'm too nervous.
• I won't be able to get my point across.
• It'll be awful.
• I'll never find another job.
• I'll go blank. We'll just stand there and stare at each other.
• I'll be so nervous I won't be able to express myself.
• I'll never get better.
• I'm so anxious. I know I must be coming across wrong.

Many of your Critical Observer comments are typical, such as:

• I was so stupid.
• I stumbled over that word; I looked like a complete fool up there.
• I always get anxious!
• What's wrong with me? I'm just worthless.

Your Negative Observer comments can be quite self-critical. They have two basic distinctions. First, you criticize yourself indirectly by fantasizing that other people are critical of you. If you are like many socially anxious people, this is a ruthless attack on your self-esteem because it goes to the core of your fears: that others will demean you or reject you. Here are some examples:

• He's yawning. The entire audience is bored.
• He saw my hands shake when I was drinking. He knows how incompetent I am.
• He didn't like me because I didn't know what to talk about.
• He thinks I'm boring, stupid, obviously incapable.

In a second distinction, your Negative Observer operates through a set of rules and expectations that are either impossible to meet or entirely unnecessary to adequate social performance. These often come in the form of "should" and "shouldn't" statements, and they place an inordinate amount of pressure on you to perform:

• I should have done that perfectly.
• I should be able to figure out what to say.
• Remember, never let them see you sweat!
• There are rules for how I should behave. I shouldn't be inappropriate.
• I shouldn't blink.
• I should always look people in the eye when I'm talking.
• I should be able to make a statement without mispronouncing my words.