THE QUAKE

Throughout the summer, I shuttled between work and weekends in Bangor. I saw little of my daughter and less of my husband. During this time, Kevin's depression deepened as his professional life deteriorated and his personal life came to resemble more and more that of a single parent. We'd also recently learned that the buildings we'd purchased and which Kevin had spent an enormous amount of energy as well as a significant amount of money renovating, were worth less now then at the time that we bought them. The faith we'd placed in hard work, delayed gratification, and commitment appeared at the time to have been futile. Had all of our sacrifices and hard work led us only to this miserable point in our lives?

Kevin lost his faith but not his courage. After a tremendous amount of soul-searching, he decided to take advantage of a voluntary separation program offered by his company to its employees. With no job prospects, he left behind a ten-year position that had provided significant financial security to his family.

For months I'd been having dreams which left me shaken each morning. Dreams which continually called me to "follow the road." What road? They never told me, and yet I felt a stronger and stronger pull to go. The dreams were very spiritual in nature and I guessed that this was the general direction I was being pointed in. But where exactly? I didn't know.

In June of 1995 I closed my practice. This was an undertaking that was excruciatingly painful. It caused me to struggle with tremendous feelings of guilt for abandoning my clients. I was also terrified that I was making a very big mistake. Still, I'd been deeply wounded during the difficult months preceding my decision to close my practice. I needed time to heal and I was determined at the same time to follow my dreams.

Within six months we went from financial excess and professional success, to a state of limbo as Kevin searched for a new position and direction in life. During this period of uncertainty, we remained sure of two things: (1) of the people whom we loved and who loved us and; (2) that under no circumstances would we return to a lifestyle that had offered more than enough financially and far too little personally. Whatever the cost, we would take the steps necessary to build a new life together which would honor our personal values, particularly those that reflected the importance of family. Interestingly, it was not until we'd enjoyed the benefits of achieving what we thought we wanted to achieve, in addition to experiencing the consequences of those achievements, that we were able to step back and examine what we truly wanted from our lives. Ultimately, while our lives had been badly shaken, and we had sustained significant damage, it wasn't until then that we became clear about what we needed. Sometimes things must be taken apart in order to properly be put back together.

Kevin was offered a position in Columbia, South Carolina. The day of our move, I stood in the middle of my empty house. I drank in the view of the lake out the living room window, I touched one of the many plants I had nurtured and was now leaving behind. I had cherished this place. While my friend Stephanie was playing monopoly on the floor with our daughter, Kevin and I took one last walk down the pond road. We spoke very little. We were both too preoccupied with saying our silent good-byes to our home and place of birth. So long to its beautiful vistas, its progressive, adventurous, and independent thinkers, its brilliant and starry nights, its safety - good-bye to my family, my partner, my friends and neighbors. I'd complained that I hated the freezing winters while I lived here and yet all I was aware of now that I was leaving Maine, was how deeply I loved it.

Our Quake had begun and it was time for us to rebuild. Our dream was to work together to contribute to the lives of others. We wanted to make a difference in our little part of the world.

Scared, uncertain, and feeling more than a little bit guilty for leaving my clients behind, I set out on this journey of mine. And this new path has led to a number of obstacles, and taken more than one unexpected turn along the way. I thought this book was finished months ago. It wasn't until some time after I wrote what I believed to be the final sentences, and produced the audio-book version, that it occurred to me that I'd just begun.

I believed the first time I wrote this book that it was about the personal wounds that cut deeply and yet lead to transformation. But I was wrong. It was becoming much more then that. As I continued doing research and leading BirthQuake workshops, I began to discover that much of the agony that I believed existed within the hearts and souls of individuals, all too often represented what I've come to believe is rooted in a collective pain - our collective pain - yours and mine.

Bill Moyers once observed that, "the largest party in America today isn't the democrats or the republicans, it's the party of the wounded." He's right I think, we've all been wounded. Wounded by the barrage of bad news, political scandals, traffic jams, jobs that so often feel futile, the signs that surround us of dying cultures, dying children, dying species, and even a dying earth. We may not think too much about it, and might even do a reasonably effective job of burying our heads in the details of our lives. But there's really no escaping it is there... You feel it. You feel it a little bit every single day and even though you manage to keep one step ahead of it, I bet you sense sometimes that it may be closing in.

The good news is that you're not alone. Quakes are trembling everywhere. The bad news is that this also means that there are fewer places to hide. It's not as simple as it was even a decade ago. Moving to the country won't shield you. Believe me, I tried.

In 1992, over 1,600 scientists from around the world released a document entitled, "Warning to Humanity." This warning stated among other things, that human beings were on a collision course with nature, and that we need to make significant changes now if we want to avoid profound human suffering in the future. Other rumblings of a global quake in addition to our environmental crisis can be felt all over the world. Felt in addictions, increasing levels of depression, crime, suicide, and so much more. I recognize that many of the concerns I've mentioned have existed for centuries, however in no time in history has the world been at such universal risk. We're not only confronted with endangered species and forests, or the tragedies that befall the men, women, and children unfortunate enough to have born in impoverished countries. We're coming closer every day to facing a crisis that every living organism on the entire planet faces. And at some level you already know that. Don't you.

We're all in this together. We're each waging a battle with collective demons that threaten to become more and more personal. They've made it into your neighborhood, and into mine. Are you ready? I'm not. But I'm working on it. And while I'm more than a little bit scared, I'm still tremendously hopeful.

A wise man who wishes only to be identified as "a brother along the way," shared with me that, "it seems that our travails are often a preparatory path, helping to make us better instruments through which we may serve, especially during times of crisis, which the world is now entering - a BirthQuake of worldwide proportion."

And so I'm called to service, and I'm calling on you too. Trust me, the rewards will be well worth it.

Chapter One - The Quake

Chapter Two - The Haunted

Chapter Three - Myth and Meaning

Chapter Four - Embracing the Spirit

Chapter Eight - The Journey

next: THE HAUNTED Chapter Two