And now, over two years after I made significant changes in my life, I'm still struggling with the trade-offs. There have been far more sacrifices than I would have chosen to make if I were queen of the world. But I'm by no means royalty, so I've learned to barter. And I generally manage to feel that I'm gaining far more than I lost in the deal.

Djohariah Toor informs us in, "The Road by the River," that the Hopi's have a word, Koyaanisqatsi, which means, "a life out of balance." What specifically does it mean to live such a life? Well, I'm not sure I can adequately explain it, but I know with all of my heart that I lived it, and still do. The good news however, is that I've succeeded (I believe) in swinging the pendulum closer to the center. I'm able to invest more in my inner life, my spirit, my relationships, and to live a life that reflects my personal values to a far greater extent than ever before. There's much in my life which still requires fine-tuning, and my professional life has certainly absorbed formidable blows, but my garden is beginning to bloom, my heart feels lighter, and I'm once again discovering anticipation in the mornings.

Charles Spezzano wrote in, What to do Between Birth and Death, that, "You don't really pay for things with Money. You pay for them with time." I tell myself today (and now believe it), that my time is more valuable than my money. I don't want to spend as much of it as I used to on things that really don't matter much. I have no idea how much of it remains available to me, and I'd rather run out of money in the bank at this point, than out of what ever time I have left. I can't have it ALL, and so I'm negotiating.

My husband, Kevin continues to struggle with his own choices. He's chosen to provide our family with it's only significant source of income. Sometimes I feel saddened when I think of him. One of his best friends, who opted not to have children, enjoys so many more choices than Kevin does. He has a partner that shares the financial burden that Kevin carries alone. His friend goes off on adventures, purchases newer and bigger toys, and relaxes on the weekend, while my sweet husband mows the lawn, attempts to fix a broken appliance (that in his old life he would have had repaired), while contemplating which bill he should pay this week. In our old life, he never would have had to think twice about who to pay when. The money was always there. Still, today, there's no checking with me to see if he can work late, no wondering what he'll make for dinner tonight after working ten hours, or rushing to pick up our daughter before day care closes. He doesn't need to rush around getting himself and our daughter ready in the morning, and he no longer faces a second shift when he leaves the office for the day. He still misses the financial freedom our previous life-style allowed, how could he not? And he still wonders what it's all for on a bad day. But he's able to focus more closely on his own life, go to bed early if he chooses, and his best friend is waiting for him after a long day who's not as preoccupied as she used to be. One who eagerly awaits him and feels far greater appreciation for him that she ever did before.

Our life is far, far, from perfect. We still catch ourselves longing for that elusive future when we're able to experience greater freedom and more choices. We have less than we used to for sure - less money, less security, and far fewer investments to brighten up our "golden years." But we also have fewer regrets, less guilt, and less tension.

Our larger dreams still all too often overshadow our day to day enjoyment of what we have - our child, our health, our families, our love… But we're more apt to catch ourselves now, rather than getting lost far down that road of tomorrow, the one we used to travel on an almost daily basis.

Marilyn Ferguson observed in, The Aquarian Conspiracy, that, "our problems are often the natural side effects of our success." Kevin and I are clearly experiencing fewer benefits of the conventional "success" that we used to take for granted. Yet, while our shift in life style has presented new challenges, it has also offered solutions to issues that used to weigh heavily on our shoulders each and every day. We have ceased our exhausting struggle to have it ALL, in order to experience and appreciate more fully what we have today, for who knows if it will be there tomorrow.

I sometimes recall my yesterdays when I become discouraged with my today's. Then my mantra was, "hurry, hurry, hurry!" My little girl learned from her parents to move quickly, while reaching out to grab hold as we went speeding by. I recently watched a video of a beautiful, curly haired child playing ballerina, a toddler that used to be mine. As the camera zeroed in on her golden eyes, I realized how often back then her little face was out of focus, as I raced to catch up with my life.

I'm slowing down now. Go ahead and pass me. I'll get out of your way, although I may be tempted to speed up as you go sailing by. I'm hoping though my resolve will hold - that I'll take the time that I truly understand now is precious. Because no matter what we do, become, or accomplish - the one thing that awaits us all in the end - is the finish line."

next: Life Letters: On the Love, Pain, Hopes and Fears of Parenting Table of Contents