"Having it all" isn't the be all and end all. This essay, directed towards women, speaks about balance, cultural myths, happiness and well-being.

Life Letters

How many times have you received the message either inferred or directly that, "You can have it ALL!" What an offer, what a dream, what a promise, what a lie…

For years, most people who knew me believed that I "had it ALL." And I might have even agreed with them not so long ago. I had a successful private practice, a loving marriage that now spans two decades, a healthy blond haired, blue eyed daughter, a Ph.D., wonderful friends, a close extended family, a cottage on the water to escape to, mutual funds, stocks, an IRA, and plenty of money in the bank.

So how come I wasn't living "happily ever after?" I had more than my young girl fantasies had ever promised. Why wasn't I satisfied? What was wrong with me? Was I just another "spoiled baby boomer?" Did I expect too much? Demand too much?

Or, was it that I had too much? Too many appointments, too many obligations, too many goals, too many roles, too many deadlines, too many plans, too much to maintain, too much to loose…

Most parents want their children to have better lives. Ours wanted more money, more opportunities, more security, and more choices for us. We wanted more too, and that's exactly what many of us got - more. More materials, more opportunities, more education, more technology, more stress related disorders, more failed marriages, more latch key children, and more demands. We got, I believe, a whole lot more than most of us bargained for.

We wanted the "good life." I wanted the "good life." I was told in countless ways that it was possible for me to achieve it - if I was smart enough, motivated enough, disciplined enough, willing to work hard enough. If I was "good" enough, it could be mine. And so I did my very best to be and do all of those things. I wanted MINE.

As I struggled to achieve, I began to succeed in obtaining and accumulating all of the trappings of the "good life" I had fought so hard for. But along with the college degrees came student loans, the house came with a significant mortgage, the private practice came with significant demands, the cottage required upkeep, the marriage called for compromises, the child came with no instructions but with numerous responsibilities, and each friend offered his or her own unique gifts as well as obligations. Along with my 'good life' came more and more and more…

I had a full life. It was so full, that all too often it felt that I would explode. I was becoming a woman of means too. I had the means to do and buy a number of things, and I did them, and bought them, until one day I was surrounded - by THINGS - to have and to hold. I had so much of it ALL that all I needed now was time. I wanted just a little more time please, so that I could do it ALL - with the ALL that I had. It seemed ironic that with the ALL that I’d gained, I couldn't have more of such a small thing. Just a wee thing that didn't take up physical space, didn't require maintenance or a mortgage, just a tiny request really - Just a little more time…

One day, in the midst of my plenty, I recognized that I was starving - craving a few totally pointless moments, a period of doing nothing, to just "be" and not "do." How difficult that was to accomplish in spite of ALL that I'd achieved and accumulated. I was surrounded by it ALL.

I had so many CHOICES. Where were they? They were looking me right in the eye and smirking.

"Should I close my practice?" I considered. "And what will become of your clients? How will you get by on just one income? What about those degrees you're still paying on? What will happen to those dreams of yours? How will you pay for your daughter's gymnastic classes, her college, family vacations, and be certain that your financially secure in old age?" the voice demanded.

"Should I stay working?" I wondered. "And how will you give your daughter the quality time she deserves? How will you find time to contribute to your community? When will you ever write your book? How will you manage to stay involved in your daughter's school, connected to your family and friends, keep a journal, and read all of the books that you keep saying you're going to read that aren't work related? Who will tend your garden, keep your bird feeders filled, see that your family's diet is healthy, make dental appointments, see to your daughter's homework, and that your dog has his shots? How will you do all of that and still manage to live a life that doesn't exhaust you?" the voice taunted. "I'll manage. I have so far" I replied. "And is this the life you want for your daughter?" queried the voice. "Absolutely not! I want more for her," I quickly replied. "Maybe you should want less for her," the voice retorted.

Want less? I wanted her to have every opportunity that I had and more. And then it hit me. The more had become my problem. I had bought into one of the most popular myths of my generation - that I could have it ALL.

No-one can have it all. We each must make choices, it's a fundamental law that not one of us escapes. When we choose one path, we forsake another, at least for the time being. We can't do it ALL without making sacrifices.