On Forgiveness: An Interview with Dr. Sam Menahem

Written by Tammie Byram Fowles, PhD, LISW-CP

Interview

Dr. Sam Menahem received his Masters degree from Columbia University in 1972 and his Ph.D. from United States International University in 1976. Dr. Menahem is on the faculty of Columbia University as an adjunct assistant professor of psychology. His interest in meditation and healing has been advanced by study with Joyce Goodrich, Ph.D. on the Le Shan methods of meditation. He is the founder of the Center for Psychotherapy and Spiritual Growth in Fort Lee, NJ. He is author of two books: All Your Prayers Are Answered and When Therapy Isn't Enough: The Healing Power of Prayer and Psychotherapy.

Tammie: Dr. Menahem, I want to thank you for taking the time to share your wise and gentle perspective on what I believe is often a very complicated and difficult issue for many people, that of forgiveness.

Dr. Menahem: Thank you, Tammie. It is my pleasure to share my thoughts on this difficult and highly charged topic. It has been my experience that many people have trouble letting go of old grudges, even when they realize it is hurting them more than the other person.

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Much of my work is centered on helping people to let go and forgive.

Tammie: What are some of the most common reasons we don't forgive ourselves?

Dr. Menahem: Most people are much too hard on themselves. They think they have to do something great just to be OK. They have bought into our cultural madness of competition and success. They feel that they are only as good as what they do and how much money they make from it. If their parents were conditional with their love, critical and controlling, the problem is even worse. Behavioral perfection is then substituted for spontaneity and conformity replaces individuality.

Tammie: Why should we forgive our enemies and why is it important?

Dr. Menahem: Most people are sensitive to minor slights or hurts. They feel that they would never be so insensitive and are very critical of others who are insensitive. Sometimes they are upset because the others are getting away with things they couldn't do for either personal or societal reasons. We also dislike people that have qualities we have had to repress. For example, if we have had to repress our anger, we may dislike angry people. We fear that we may be angry like them. When we forgive our enemies, we are accepting a variety of ways of being. We are "letting go" of our fear, anger, guilt and inferiority feelings and promoting love, joy, peace and interdependency. This heals us individually- by freeing us to be kinder and more loving. It also heals interpersonal strife and creates a more peaceful world.

Tammie: Can forgiveness actually help in healing physical pains?

Dr. Menahem: Yes, it can heal us physically. When we are being unforgiving we are tense and stressed, creating powerful hormones that are needed for fight or flight reactions. Since there is no need to fight or flee, these hormones build up and create stress in the body, which can result in pain and physical illness. When we forgive, we relax and the body tends to heal itself naturally.

Tammie: What are the necessary steps we must take in order to forgive?

Dr. Menahem: First, we must accept our angry, fearful or guilty feelings. Second, we must release these feelings willingly. Third, we must affirm our intention to forgive. Fourth, we must take appropriate actions. Finally, we must be thankful for the ability to choose forgiveness and peace.

Tammie: Is there any way we can skip the grieving process?

Dr. Menahem: No. When we lose someone or something dear to us, it hurts and we must grieve. After a while, we can affirm our spiritual values of faith, love, forgiveness and unity and heal the grief.

Tammie: How does prayer and meditation fit into your practice as a psychologist?

Dr. Menahem: I pray for and with my patients. I pray that they heal for the highest good of their soul. I suggest they pray for themselves. I teach them how to pray psychologically-to affirm rather than plead for things. I teach them to meditate-harmonizing their consciousness with divine consciousness. I get them in touch with spiritual feelings of love and peace that come up when fear, hate, guilt and inferiority are released.

Tammie: Could you explain what a self-hypnotic trance is and how this can help your patients?

Dr. Menahem: Self-hypnosis is a sort of selective awareness that arises when the critical, conscious part of the mind is interfering with functioning. By relaxing and turning the criticism off, we are able to release negativity and turn toward peaceful, loving feelings for oneself and others.

Tammie: What is spiritual psychology?

Dr. Menahem: I see people as primarily spiritual beings, temporarily living in a body. The problems usually seen as psychological like fear, hate, guilt and inferiority are actually solved by developing spiritual qualities-faith, love, forgiveness and unity. Spiritual psychology gives people tools to heal their psychological problems by interacting with the endless source of love and peace-God-or as some people prefer the "Higher Power."