Jung perceived the journey towards the authentic self as a rebirth, and described this fundamental process of midlife transition as, "a long drawn-out process of inner transformation and rebirth into another being. This 'other being' is the other person in ourselves --that larger and greater personality maturing within us, whom we have already met as the inner friend or the soul..."

I believe that the masks I dawned on a daily basis in order to win approval, contributed significantly to my alienation from my authentic self, and ultimately resulted in my being cast adrift from the spiritual aspects of my life. It was through my awareness of this disconnection, and my subsequent attempts to let go of my efforts to win approval from everyone I meet, that I have been led closer toward that which I now seek- a relationship with my authentic self, and union with my spirit. This search brings me nearer to a sense of peace and affiliation with all that is (including the less attractive aspects of myself), have been, and will be.

INCUBATION

"Man is a stream whose source is hidden." - Emerson

My friend and soul sister, Stephanie, an extremely vibrant and creative woman, shared with me recently that she had been feeling lethargic and uninspired. As she spoke, I began to recall a period not so long ago in my own life. For months after moving to South Carolina, the most unsettling fatigue and desire to hibernate besieged me. While my daughter was in school, I would do a few chores, work on my book, and then be overcome by the need to lie down. I most always succumbed and would sleep sometimes for hours. I would awaken feeling guilty and extremely uneasy. I was sleeping sometimes twelve hours a night and still feeling sluggish. I was also relishing my solitude and avoiding even telephone contact with others. I would be in my apartment for days without leaving except to walk or to sit by the duck pond. Being a therapist, my first thought was that perhaps I was depressed. After all, I had certainly lost enough during the past several months; however, depression didn't quite seem to fit. Initially, for the first month or so, I attributed my strange behavior to exhaustion. I just needed to rest and recover from the emotionally and physically draining experiences I had recently undergone. By late December, this explanation no longer felt comfortable. What was happening to me?

Jung may very well have interpreted both my own, and Stephanie's experiences, as relatively common occurrences of mid life - intervals in which one's psychic energy becomes withdrawn from the conscious mind and diverted to the realms of the unconscious. Jung himself encountered these somewhat eerie episodes. He described them as periods in which he often felt "suspended in mid-air." While new heights can be invigorating, most of us can only tolerate being suspended for so long. Still, if we can be patient, if we can open ourselves to the flow of our unconscious, and allow ourselves to drift along with the subterranean currents for a time, then we will most assuredly return eventually to the security of solid ground with greater insight and wisdom.

In retrospect, I believe that my time of slow motion provided me with a tremendous gift. My life had been so active, so frenetic, so goal oriented in the past that I had lost almost complete touch with my inner self. I was able after leaving Maine to undergo an incubation period during those early months following the move. Tillie Olson, author and poet, describes such experiences as providing "that necessary time for renewal, lying fallow, gestation, in the natural cycle of creation." Not since childhood had I experienced this freedom, this quiet time in which I could simply evolve. The most profound period of my quake occurred here - between the normal spaces of my life. This critical stage of my own metamorphosis involved reflection, meditation, a multitude of dreams, reading, writing, soul searching and reclamation. It was a time for me to review my own story as well as to begin to construct a new one.

"When you're in the middle of an earthquake you begin to question, what is it that I really need? What is my real rock?" Jacob Needleman

On March 26, 1872, in Yosemite Valley, John Muir was awakened in the twilight hours of the morning by the violent tremors of the Inyo earthquake. Muir, along with his neighbors, was frightened by the wild motion and rumbling of the quake. And yet, he was also excited, certain that he was about the learn something of tremendous importance.

While neighbors fled to the safety of the lowlands once the heaviest of the shocks subsided, Muir stood his ground -- wide eyed and in wonder. What he soon discovered was that from out of the chaos of the quake, a mountain talus was born.

For months after the initial shock waves, the earth continued to tremor and shift. Muir described this period as a time when"rough places were made smooth, and smooth places rough. But on the whole, by what at first sight seemed pure confusion and ruin, the landscapes were enriched; for gradually every talus, however big the boulders composing it, was covered with grooves and gardens, and made a finely proportioned and ornamental base for the sheer cliffs. Storms of every sort, torrents, earthquakes, cataclysms, convulsions of nature, etc., however mysterious and lawless at first sight they may seem, are only harmonious notes in the song of creation, varied expressions of God's love."

Chapter One - The Quake

Chapter Two - The Haunted

Chapter Three - Myth and Meaning

Chapter Four - Embracing the Spirit

Chapter Eight - The Journey

next: EMBRACING THE SPIRIT Chapter Four