Myth and Meaning - Being Disabled

Written by Tammie Byram Fowles, PhD, LISW-CP

11) He was born with a clubfoot to a poor couple in Vermont. His affliction was believed by some to indicate that he was a child of the devil. His father abandoned the family. He was teased relentlessly by his schoolmates. He was a lonely and bitter young boy.

Thaddeus Stevens grew up to be a successful attorney, one of the most powerful members of Congress in American history, and a relentless champion of the rights of African Americans.

12) He was extraordinary. At the age of 23 he completed medical school. At the age of 24, he won the National Tennis Championship. At 25 he was diagnosed with polio and paralyzed from the neck down. He became a professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of California, a Gold Achievement recipient, and has published numerous works. In "Flying Without Wings: Personal Reflections on Being Disabled", Arnold R Beisser shares that when he first stopped struggling and working to overcome his disability, rather than feeling defeated, he finally felt whole again. He experienced a sense of well being, of fullness, and felt at one with himself and the universe. He found that his salvation had not come from hard work, but rather in learning how not to struggle. As Beisser came to accept who and where he was in the moment, without striving to change, he himself was transformed. Beisser wrote:

"Sometimes the fullness I experience here and now is greater than I have ever experienced before..."

13) At the age of 19, John Hockenberry was involved in a car accident that left him paralyzed. He went on to become a successful reporter, winning the Peabody award twice in addition to an Emmy. He's been a national public radio reporter, a middle east correspondent, and a correspondent for ABC's "Day One." In his wonderful book, "Moving Violations: A Memoir," Hockenberry describes his life as a reporter and a paraplegic. Among his observations is that to the outside world, life in a wheelchair meant life without dignity or dreams. To the contrary, Hockenberry found that his disability in many ways enhanced his existence. He also discovered that he was capable of reinventing his life and wrote, "To have invented a way to move without legs was to invent walking. This was a task reserved for Gods, and to perform it was deeply satisfying...I was inventing a new life."

The stories of success and triumph, which exist along side of tragedy, are so numerous, that to even attempt to capture a small portion becomes a task that would fill several volumes. Pain and loss don't inevitably preclude success. In fact, they sometimes inspire it.

I am greatly saddened and often frustrated when I encounter individuals who perceive the suffering and loss that they endured in the past as what most defines their life. It's not only a self-defeating attitude; it's often an excuse to hide behind the pain of yesterday, instead of fully facing the responsibility and promise of today.

THE MYTH THAT MORE IS BETTER

"We don't understand the whites, they are always wanting something - always restless - always looking for something. What is it? We don't know. We can't understand them." Native American to Carl Jung

MARCUS

Marcus was drop dead gorgeous. I confess here and now that just looking at him was fascinating - let alone hearing about his privileged life. He spoke of his sailboat, his extravagant condominium in the city, his burgundy BMW, and his oceanfront home. He had a wife who loved him, a son who worshipped him, and a challenging and lucrative career. The man had it all and he was miserable. I called him one of the "wretched rich".

Marcus wanted to be a tour guide. He hated being confined indoors, and was weary of the constant and frantic rushing at work. He longed to be free, but he couldn't afford to keep the beach house, the BMW or the fancy condo on what he would make as a tour guide. Marcus had been miserable for the past ten years at least. When I saw him last, he was still miserable, but he had a bigger boat.

DONALD

Little Donald dreamed about getting bigger. He, like all the other kids, compiled a mental list of what he would do and have. "When I get bigger..." he would often say. He couldn't wait.

He grew up and he got to do and have many of the things that he had hoped for; a big house (for parties), a Harley Davidson, a wife and kids. He had a great time at first, but then he got busier and busier and busier. His big house had a huge yard that took hours to mow. His kids were great, but they were incredibly demanding. He hardly ever found the time to ride his Harley. Donald, like so many of his friends, began to compile a mental list of all that he would do and have when he got older. "When I retire..." he would say. He couldn't wait.

"I want you to know that possessions have made more people unhappy than happy because they define the limits of your life and keep you from the freedom of choice that comes with traveling light upon the earth." Kent Nerburn

"The more you have, the more you want." "The more money you make, the more money you spend." These are extremely familiar sayings used by just about everybody more than once. The words summarize countless all too familiar stories that show up over and over again in the lives of our neighbors, our families and in our own. They are both universal and paradoxical. At a glance, the moral of the stories seems to be that we can never be truly satisfied unless we can stop wanting, and yet to stop wanting appears to be an impossibility for most of us. From this perspective, things look pretty dismal. Perhaps however, as Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi suggests, the problem is not in the wanting, but in the failure to enjoy what we already have. Cierco said long ago that, "To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most secure of riches." Epictetus echoed these words of wisdom stating that, "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."