Ellen isn’t the only one who married again following the death of a beloved spouse. Cathy, Sondra, and Victoria all talked about the importance of FC-talk as a critical tool to assist the Living in moving on past the death. All of these young wives talked about the importance of the Dying giving the Living permission, and sometimes motivation, to continue living life. In these cases, the Dying gave the living permission—even encouragement—to marry again someday. Cathy’s husband, Don, was thirty-two years older than she, so he knew that she would outlive him. Don began the conversation with Cathy about marrying again long before their FC-talks, and again when he was dying. Because he knew he was that much older than I, he said that I needed to make sure that I move on. Cathy often dismissed his suggestion while he was alive, but would remember it later. She appreciated his ultimate concern for her and their daughter Christina’s future happiness.

Part of the completion of the relationship for these four dying husbands was their unselfishness and release of any personal jealousy of the Living. They knew that life is meant to be lived fully, with love, just as each of these marriages had been lived. For these wives, there was not going to be any guilt or looking back with regret. Completing the relationship honored love itself by acknowledging the love that had been, and by embracing the potential for the love that would be. All four of these women married again.

Sondra’s husband, Steve, died of acute leukemia. He had just had four heart attacks in a two-week period. Clearly, he didn’t have much longer to live. Steve told Sondra: “I don't want you to fear death. I don't want you to mourn if I pass away.” The last thing that he wanted was any fear of that. And he said, "Death is part of life.” I'll never forget that. "Everybody is going to die." He told me many times that "the worst thing you could ever do is to mourn my death. Don't mourn me; rejoice because I'm in a better place.” Then he said, “ I want you to remarry.” He made me realize that this is not something that you're going to ever become bitter over. I had always thought previously that if somebody marries somebody, that you show your real love to them [after they die] by never marrying again, and you show that devotion to that person for a long time, even past their death. And, he said, "No, you will love.” And he told me that "your real love for someone is to want the best for them."

A similar message was given to Victoria by her young husband, Kerry, who was dying of cancer. Kerry was Victoria’s first love. They had married young, and she was devastated at the thought of his death. Victoria recalled: We had great passion. I had never been with anybody else beyond casual dating. And I remember sitting in the hospital and saying, “I’ll never marry again, there’s no way.” And he said, “I sure hope you will. I hope being married to me was good enough that it’ll make you want to marry again.”

Victoria elaborated on the importance of this FC-talk as a love message. When he told me I’d be okay without him, that I could live without him, that I should marry again, he was providing for my family. He was attempting to make sure that we had the best we could, that I would take good care of the girls, that I would have a good life. He was just continuing to be the loving husband and father that he had been all along. He was continuing to take care of us. I have known a lot of women that weren’t given that kind of permission, that gift, who really felt uncomfortable with that idea [of moving on to love again]. Her words imply that women who do not receive that gift of letting go can remain stuck in uncompleted relationships and the memory of love—sometimes for the rest of their lives.

So, what did the Living teach us about love? Many things, as we describe in our book, but three points are worth mentioning here:

• Tell the people you love that you love them. Tell them often. Tell them now. Tell them before time runs out.

• Death is a great triage nurse for love. The dying process fails to nurture pettiness and triviality, and then only love remains. Love, the highest of human emotions, is nurtured to the end. Count on it.

• When you love someone so much that you think you can’t live through their death yourself, that’s when you really have to make yourself participate in FC-talk. To be able to say what needs to be said does help the Living cope. FC-talk helps the Living make the transition to a life without the Dying.

About the authors: Keeley and Yingling are communication experts who personally have had final conversations with loved ones, and who interviewed over 80 volunteers who wanted to share their experiences with others. Portions of this article were excerpted from the authors’ book Final Conversations: Helping the Living and the Dying Talk to Each Other (VanderWyk & Burnham, 2007).

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