Foreword from BirthQuake: A Journey to Wholeness

"If you will dive long enough, deep enough, some great sea change takes place - bringing bounty forever. I do not know if we can choose this path. More so, I would say certain ones are chosen."
-- Clarissa Pinkola Estes

My office clock stopped running on the day I closed my psychotherapy practice in Maine. I walked into the room on that final morning to see its hands frozen. I stood before it for a moment and waited for it to resume its slow and deliberate march. Then I was struck by the irony of the clock's demise on this of all days, as I acknowledged it's final message. "We're finished for now. It's time to go." Time to go...

I was unsteady on my feet as I moved around the room. I looked long and hard at my desk, at my old rockers, at my beloved sectional couch, and at the sunlight coming through the stained glass just above it. I'd lived so much of my life in this room and yet it, along with so much else that belonged to me, would be dismantled very soon. I felt empty and sad. I wasn't prepared for this. I was exhausted already by the good-byes I'd struggled through the past few weeks, and I wanted to reject this day even as I got ready for it

It wasn't supposed to end this way. (How many times have you heard that?) I'd told Lori long ago that she would choose when our work together was completed. It would be she who would tell me that we wouldn't be making another appointment. Instead, it was I who was leaving her.

When she walked through the door, she immediately moved into my arms and began to cry. As I held her, the guilt inside of me rose up to meet her grief. I wasn't supposed to leave her. I wasn't supposed to abandon my family, my friends, my partner, my practice, and my home either. And yet, it was in part, through my leaving, and loss, and letting go that I began to attempt to put into words the culmination of many years of research, clinical experience, and most importantly - critical life lessons.

This book is about a phenomenon which is presently challenging numerous members of my generation in particular. It's about the "Birthquakes" so many of us are struggling with and through. Where everything is rocked and shifted, where foundations crack, and treasures lie buried beneath the rubble.

At a glance, Birthquakes can understandably be confused with what has been identified for decades as the "midlife crisis," as they, too, appear in almost all cases during the second half of life. They also are, at least initially, profoundly difficult experiences. Being caught up in the confusion of a mid-life crisis, however, doesn't always lead to a desirable destination. Those who brave the mighty storms of a Birthquake on the other hand, are in every case ultimately transformed.

I have been a witness to its power and its fury. I have experienced the anguish, and I have stood in the center of its triumph. How do I tell you about what that feels like? I don't tell you. I attempt to explain it to you to the best of my ability, and if you have been there, you immediately recognize it. If you haven't, I'll try to be clear enough for you to grasp it in your imagination. I will also remind you that what you envision is not the same as what you actually experience. It may in part be less, while at the same time it is most certainly also significantly more.

The Quake arrives for most of us when we're standing at a crossroad. When the forces inside of us which contain a vast amount of wisdom erupt, pushing us forward towards growth and opportunity, we often push back. In spite of how uncomfortable our present situation may be, it's familiar. We know for the most part what to expect, and so we often attempt to distract ourselves from this inner voice which calls upon us to venture into foreign territory. Still, the voice refuses to be silenced. It taunts us, it haunts us, and it will not go away.

Encountering the Quake is much like the process of giving birth. Initially, there are feelings of inadequacy and fear delicately linked with anticipation and hope. As the process unfolds, the pain often intensifies until it can seem unbearable. As this period of transition is entered into, many want to turn back. Later, while engulfed in the agony, they become aware that in spite of the pain, they must not surrender. Instead, they must push on until the end - when they are finally delivered.

A Birthquake generally occurs when you're confronted with a significant challenge in your life. It may be the loss of a significant relationship, a job, your health, or your dream. It may evolve from a growing awareness that you're not satisfied with your present situation, or that you feel lost and confused. During this troubling period, you're often confronted with difficult choices. Will you attempt to ignore your inner voices by retreating to the familiar? Or will you brave the unknown, make the necessary changes, and take the risks that a Birthquake demands?

I want to make it perfectly clear that the intent of this book is not to propose that a crisis or painful episode in one's life is always ultimately a positive experience from which one learns and grows. A crisis can be devastating, and can wound so deeply that complete healing never occurs. I can't think of a time in my life that I've ever welcomed one, nor would I for a moment suggest that you consider yourself fortunate for having the opportunity to become stronger and wiser when having a painful experience. More often then not, I suspect I would choose to gladly give up the gains of my pain, if I could just be spared the hurt.

The reality though, as we all know, is that ready or not - difficulty, confusion, loss, risk, and potential danger befalls us all. Ultimately, at some point in each of our lives, a crisis becomes unavoidable. What differentiates a Birthquake from a typical life crisis is not what triggers the journey, instead, it's the choices one makes and the lessons one learns along the way. In the simplest terms, a Birthquake is a painful experience which eventually leads an individual to significant emotional and spiritual growth.