NOT ALL CHILDREN ARE CREATED EQUAL

As much as you try to be equal in what you give and expect from each child, children are different and the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) child is more different than most. Start from that honest acknowledgement and you have taken the first step toward understanding and improving the level of sibling rivalry in your family. You can be fair to all, but not always equal, because the ADHD child has different needs. Let’s look at those differences and how they affect the family with an ADHD child.

Imagine a mobile sculpture with each member of your family a doll suspended by wires that hold the sculpture together. Now imagine the ADHD child’s doll with a motorized helicopter blade on top. Yes, you get the picture. The high speed, random motion of the ADHD child tends to throw the entire system into chaos. Everyone is affected! Everyone is involved in the process of trying to balance the system. While the adults in the family may have an understanding of what is happening, siblings generally do not, unless Mum and Dad know about and explain ADHD and how it is affecting the ADHD child and the entire family system.

THE FAMILY CIRCUS

No tightrope walker has ever had as difficult a job as a parent trying to balance the attention given to an ADHD child with that given his or her siblings. It is easier to watch the child who sticks close to Mum or Dad than the ADHD child who can instantly disappear into the street, the toy store at the mall, or the attic crawl space. A pre-school ADHD child needs more supervision than one parent can give without a lion tamer’s chair and whip (and we don’t recommend that.) Tag-team supervision, with at least two people frequently trading off the task, may seem like ganging up on the child, but it works. Do not feel as though you are not a good parent if you ask for help in “taming” an ADHD youngster.

“But why do I have to watch him again … you always make me do it?!?” Older siblings usually do not mind an occasional request to baby sit, however they are often caught in the double bind of responsibility without authority. Remember how difficult it is for you to keep your ADHD child under control and out of trouble? It is even more difficult for the older sibling who does not have the natural parental authority to be ringmaster for the family circus. Limit how long and how often you have the older sibling in charge of your ADHD child. It is often better to pay an adult or child-care center to care for the ADHD child than to push the limits of brotherly or sisterly love.

ATTENTION!!

All children are “black holes” for attention, sucking up as much as any parent will provide, but ADHD children do demand more attention than their siblings. That demand can cause the siblings to be resentful or to imagine that the parent loves the ADHD child more. The sibling who usually does what is asked the first time may be angry at the ADHD child who is easily distracted from getting dressed and holds up the entire family. Be aware of that possibility, and plan to start the ADHD child earlier so everyone is ready to go at the same time.

When impulsivity personified, in the form of an ADHD child, bursts into every conversation with whatever happens to be on his or her mind, even the most patient siblings will start looking through the Yellow Pages for the number of the used child market to see what they can get on a trade-in. Parents who wish to avoid coming home to find that an older brother got a great deal swapping their ADHD child for a neighbor's dog are well advised to enforce clear limits on the ADHD child’s behavior. Listen to the concerns and complaints of siblings with an open mind because they are communicating their distress. If they feel you are not hearing that distress, they may act out their anger towards the ADHD child.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN ...

If you are not careful, siblings can chose sides for the Super Bowl between two teams; the Saints and the SINNERS. Siblings who are age-appropriately “good” can appear and sometimes intentionally act better, exaggerating the contrast with the ADHD child’s less appropriate behavior. Unless you like striped shirts and whistles, and enjoy the role of referee, it would be better to stop that form of scape-goating . You do not have to discourage a child who is applying for a sainthood, unless it is at the expense of another.

When it is, praise the improvement in the saint-to-be’s behavior, but then clearly describe that scape-goating will have a predefined negative consequence. For example, “If you tease Johnny about how much better you can do that, then you will lose the benefit you normally receive for doing it.” Encourage all children to excel on their own merits, not through trying to look better by knocking down someone else. Siblings sometimes regress or step out of their usual roles to imitate the behavior of the ADHD child. “Well … if he gets so much attention from Mum and Dad for doing that – maybe I can too.” While this is probably close to the top of your list of THE LAST THING I NEEDED TO HAVE HAPPEN, it can be a catalyst for discussion at a full family meeting (NOTE; NOT to be held at mealtime.) Clear GAME RULES, which are explained to all children at reasonable intervals, are at the core of improving any child’s behavior.