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THE AMERICAN (FAMILY) REVOLUTION-THE STRUGGLE FOR INDEPENDENCE
Gradually, over the years between diapers and diplomas, each child must learn to be responsible and self-sufficient. Parents sometimes fall into the protective fallacy of doing for children what they are able to do for themselves. That keeps children dependent as opposed to encouraging independence. It gives children the false impression that they can manipulate the world to get what they want without effort on their part. A household works best when everyone does his or her share of the chores. You will also have fewer rebellions with which to contend. ADHD children are hurt by being excused from their chores, and helped by your insistence that, even if they march to the beat of a different drummer, they still have to do their share. What ever the task, it can be “chunked” into do-able parts so that the child can accomplish it. “First take the milk and butter off the table and put them in the refrigerator … O.K. you did a good job doing that, now put the place mats aside and wipe the table.” It is easy to forget to praise or to set aside the special moments each day for every one of the troops. Maybe it is only when you tuck them up in bed at night, but be sure to affirm their importance as a person, your love for them as they are, and to acknowledge, beyond that, the improvements that every child can accomplish. These are important moments for you to. Without that affirmation on at least a daily basis, you forget the essential distinction between the child you love and the behaviors that you do or do not like. Keeping the distinction in mind will help you to promote independence and growth in your child.
SHARING
ADHD children can be less socially and emotionally mature than we would expect for their age. When the young ADHD child grabs a sibling’s toy with a “I want what I want and I want it now” attitude, it is not surprising that the sibling does not want to play any more. Separating them until the issue subsides is more likely to be effective than insisting they share at that time. There is a very different aspect to sharing that goes beyond the sibling’s understanding of ADHD. A parent may learn about ADHD through a local support group. This information can then be shared with extended family members, family friends, and teachers. Support groups offer many other reading materials to pass along to others.
LAST, BUT NOT LEAST
On a personal and hopeful note, my family went through many difficult times when I was a classic ADHD boy. When asked why I ended up working with ADHD families, I claim it was my Mother’s curse; “When you grow up, I hope you have to deal with kids like you!” So, to my parents, whose patience was sorely tried, and to my sisters who, at best, tolerated an outrageous brother, I offer sincere thanks. Not long after my sisters and I passed the trials, tribulations, and raging hormones of adolescence, we gradually outgrew the struggles of childhood. We have successfully settled into a truly caring relationship. Despite the many conflicts we went through and the incessant teasing which still persists, we actually love each other dearly. Although it may seem impossible in the midst of your day to day experiences, in the long run the passage through can strengthen us all.
Copyright George W. Dorry, Ph. D.
Dr Dorry is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in the assessment and treatment of childhood and adult ADD. He is the founder and director of The Attention and Behavior center in Denver, Colorado. He is a member of the ADDAG Board of Directors and served as their first Chairman of the Board from the organisation’s inception in March 1988 until January of 1995.
next: The Wild Child Website Living with an ADHD Child: The Real Story
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