Adult ADHD Issues - ADHD Issues

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

netboy: How can a spouse help the ADD mate structure their day?

Dr. Nash: Often, an ADD person marries a spouse who is highly organized and detail-oriented. This is terrific for the ADD person, but the non-ADD detail-oriented spouse can become frustrated. Both spouses need to learn how to work together. An ADD person usually does much better when there is a structured environment. The ADD person should learn to use some type of organizing system, but the key is that it must be SIMPLE. Some day organizers are just too overwhelming. Some ADD persons like the Palmcorders, others don't.

The non-ADD spouse can be helpful by providing reminders and playing back up. However, she must be willing to do so and understand why it is necessary, and he (the ADD person) must be willing for her to play this role.

In couple's therapy, these are some of the issues we address. In addition, she (the non-ADD person) can help out in managing his impulsivity, if that is a problem. For example, she can send him "silent signals" when he is interrupting or talking too much. My husband is ADD and we use a signal system in social situations where I gently tug on my earlobe, and that is his signal to slow down, take a breath, stop talking, start listening.

cBYcc: How can coping skills be learned for the angry, ADD male?

Dr. Nash: The first thing is to understand the emotion of anger and that it is the body's hard-wired alarm system. Once we understand that anger is inevitable, especially in the presence of frustration or fear, then we can focus on what to do with the anger. Anger is not a behavior; aggression (shouting, yelling, cursing, throwing things, etc.) is a behavior that is usually, but not always, driven by anger.

Next, we learn to understand what triggers his anger. What are the situations that are "high risk" for anger. Usually they are being tired, hungry, in pain, overwhelmed, or otherwise distressed. The coping skills needed depend on the situation. It may be necessary to take a time out, leave the arena, and "catch your breath." Go for a walk, but don't rehearse angry thoughts while you are doing so. Leaving an upsetting situation is a behavioral strategy.

Another type of coping skill involves thinking--talking oneself down, so to speak, from being angry. Trying to see or understand the situation another way.

Dobby: Any suggestions for explaining your Attention Deficit Disorder to your children?

Dr. Nash: Children are naturally full of energy, at least most of them. Use simple concrete language to explain your ADD to your children. (If they, too, are ADD, keep it really simple.) Say something like, "You know how you can get so excited sometimes that you forget things, well Daddy can get that way too." Try to help them understand that everyone is different, but that doesn't mean bad. It just means that each of us has to learn different ways to "be good."

David: Here are a couple of audience comments on Adult ADD and relationship issues, then we'll go onto ADD work issues:

cBYcc: My husband and daughter have ADD, and I feel I am constantly trying to "smooth" things for them!

add_orable: My better half says he exists to pick up after me and find my keys and glasses. He says "how do you do it? (laughing)" I say, "it is just a talent," and his life has meaning!

tink2: I've found that exercise improves my ADD symptoms.

Dr. Nash: Exercise releases endorphins and provides a calming effect. Some ADD people develop a substance abuse problem because they try to medicate away their symptoms that way. Exercise is a much better solution.

David: One of the most common problems adults with ADD experience in their jobs or careers, centers around time management -- getting things done on time. What do you suggest for dealing with that?

Dr. Nash: As to work-related issues, I believe it is really important to learn to PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS. I once worked with an attorney who graduated at the bottom of his class but was hired into a firm even so. Then, he was fired from that job. He was convinced that he shouldn't be an attorney because he couldn't remember trial dates, when to submit briefs, etc. But he loved constructing and arguing a case in court. I convinced him to start his own firm and hire someone to do the details--remind him of court appearances, etc. At first, he argued that he "should" be able to do these things. He did hire someone finally (part-time), and now he has his own successful law firm with several attorneys working for him. ADD people are often better being their own boss.

But even if you do work in an organization, learn to delegate, delegate, delegate. Say "no" to jobs that are too detail-oriented or repetitive. It just isn't an ADD person's strengths. An ADD person is usually creative and a "big picture" thinker. Let someone else do the details.

There is a saying I like repeating to my ADD clients: "It is easier to ride the horse in the direction it is going." Play to your strengths and don't try to be what you aren't. Build a support system around you. You may have to tinker a bit to find what works for you. Keep trying.