What to Do When Your Teen Chooses Bad Friends

Written by Anthony Kane, MD

The Problem

Recently, a well known educator and speaker on parenting issues made a list of all the difficult questions parents had been asking him about their teens. He noticed that of all the issues that are bothering parents, the number one concern is what to do about bad friends. This question was asked more than twice as often as the next most common concern.

This educator then did a very interesting experiment. At the time, he was working with a number of troubled teens. Many of these teens were estranged from their families. Some of them had resolved their difficulties and were already in the process of making peace with their parents.

He asked these teenagers, "What should I tell parents so that their children won't have the problems you are having."

He asked their advice on a number of issues that parents were finding difficult. In general, these teenagers had very good advice. However, when he asked them what to do about the number one issue that was troubling parents about their teens, none of them had anything to say.

He then asked these teens what it was that got them in trouble in the first place. The number one answer was bad friends.

So the number one issue that worries parents about their teens is bad friends. The number one cause of teens getting into trouble is bad friends. And the answer that these teens gave as to how to help parents deal with this issue was, "There is nothing parents can do."

The Reasons

One reason that parents can't separate their child from a bad friend is that the friend often has a stronger relationship. When a child is young, his parents are the major influence in his life. As children enter adolescence a change occurs. A natural part of growing up is breaking away from parents and making bonds with peers. This is normal. If the parent child bond is healthy, children will eventually renew their ties with their parents. This happens in the late teens or early twenties. But throughout most of adolescence, a normal child is closer to his friends than his family.

A second reason parents find it so difficult to separate their teens from bad friends is that, to put it simply, you can't take away what you can't replace. Parents cannot replace their child's friends.

There is very little you can do to separate your child from bad friends and bad influences once he reaches his teenage years. However, there are a number of guidelines of what not to do. If you follow these few principles, it will help you ride out the storm and minimize the problems.

What You Can Do

Do Not Attack Your Child's Friends

When your child is running in a bad crowd, your hold on him is loose or non-existent. The last thing you want to do is to acquire an enemy. If you make a personal attack on your child's friend that is exactly what you are going to get, a sworn enemy. This enemy will now be out to get you and he very likely have more influence on your child than you.

It will not help to tell your child not to tell this friend. If you trash your child's friend, this person will know about it minutes to hours after the words leave your mouth. You will have made an enemy for life, at a time when you need every ally that you can get.

This does not mean you cannot criticize the behavior. It is fair and reasonable to tell your child that you object to the kinds of things his friend is doing. However, don't make it a personal attack. Once you do that, you place yourself in a battle that you are almost certain to lose.

Enlist Help

As part of growing up, your child is trying to break away from you and forge his own path in life. This is normal. However, this need to break away only involves you. It does not involve other adults. This gives you an opportunity to indirectly influence your child.

You should try to find an adult or a responsible older teen that can foster a relationship with your child. It can be a member of your extended family or someone in your community. You can have this person keep contact with your child and try to direct him whenever possible.

Your child will be confiding in someone. It is much better if you can arrange that it is an adult or an older teen whose judgment you trust. Most teens just confide in their peers.