Author Chris Zeigler Dendy shares struggles and challenges of raising teenagers with ADHD and provides tips for parenting ADHD teens.

Part I: The first in a two part series.

Parenting a teenager with ADHD may be compared to riding a roller coaster: there are many highs and lows, laughs and tears, and breathtaking and terrifying experiences. Although parents crave calm uneventful weeks, unsettling highs and lows are more likely the norm with these teenagers.

The Challenges

Without a doubt, raising sons with ADHD has been the most humbling and challenging experience of my life. Even with my background as a veteran teacher, school psychologist, mental health counsellor and administrator with over thirty years experience, I often felt inadequate and doubted my parenting decisions.

Parenting these children is not easy for anyone! A wise child psychiatrist once observed, "I'm so glad I had the opportunity to raise 'an easy child' in addition to my child with ADHD. Otherwise I would have always doubted my parenting skills." Obviously, there are no simple parenting or counselling answers. We all--the child, parents, and professionals--struggle with the best way to treat this condition.

During adolescence, the "job descriptions" for parents and teens are often in conflict. The parents' primary job is to gradually decrease their control, "letting go" of their teenager with grace and skill. In contrast, the teenager's main job is to begin the process of separating from his parents and becoming an independent, responsible adult. For better or worse, part of the teen's job is to experiment with making his own decisions, testing limits, and exercising his judgment. When the teen starts this process, parents may feel they are "losing control". Ironically, the natural tendency is to exert even more control. After all, giving freedom and responsibility to teenagers with ADHD is enough to unnerve even the most stout-hearted parent.

Unfortunately, for teens with ADHD, several factors complicate the process of growing up. First and foremost, the four to six year developmental delay exhibited by most teens with an attention deficit often causes problems. A 15 year-old may act as though he were 9 or 10 but thinks he should have the privileges of a 21 year-old. They are more impulsive than their classmates and seldom think of consequences before they act. Chronologically (by virtue of age), teenagers are ready to assume their independence; developmentally (by virtue of maturity) they are not.

Secondly, they are more difficult to discipline than their peers; they do not learn from rewards and punishment as easily as other teens. Early on, parents learn that punishment alone is ineffective. Furthermore, use of physical punishment is no longer a viable parenting strategy. Behavioural interventions effective in childhood such as, "time out" or "stars and charts", lose much of their effectiveness during the teen years. Unfortunately, their emotionality, low frustration tolerance, and tendency to "blow up" make it difficult to resolve problems calmly.

Third, coexisting problems such as, learning disabilities, sleep disturbances, depression, or executive function deficits are extremely common and make it more difficult to develop an effective treatment plan.
With all these challenges, we parents worry and worry some more about our children. What does the future hold? Will our teenager ever graduate from high school, much less go to college? Will he be able to hold down a steady job? Does he have the skills to cope with life?

Looking Back On the Teenage Years

During the teen years, our sons both struggled terribly. As expected, my husband and I faced the typical teen challenges associated with ADHD: poor school performance, forgetfulness with chores and homework, disorganization, losing things, messy rooms, disobedience, talking back, low frustration tolerance, lack of awareness of time, and having a sleep disturbance.

1. School was always the major source of conflict with our sons. Both our boys did okay in elementary school. However, they fell apart in middle school when they had more classes and teachers, had greater academic demands placed on them and were expected to be more responsible and independent. Developmentally they were not ready to complete their work independently. Both boys struggled academically in middle and high school and were in real danger of failing classes. Failure to complete homework or chores was a source of daily battles. The zeros for failure to turn in homework alternately baffled and infuriated us. It was not unusual to go into final exams with a passing grade hanging in the balance. Will they pass or fail? We didn't always know.

2. Emotionally charged conflicts were also common. Our children didn't always do as we asked. Obviously, their disobedience and our yelling battles were frustrating and a major source of embarrassment. As a result we often harboured grave doubts about our own parenting skills. Fear and frustration were our constant companions and at times overwhelmed us. Our reactions ranged from anger and depression to verbal attacks upon our children.

3. Sleep problems were the underlying cause of ongoing fights before school each morning. I can't believe it took us so long to recognize that our son's sleep disturbance--difficulty falling asleep and waking up--was a serious handicap. Unfortunately, most treatment professionals never addressed this issue. But the problem is so obvious: if a student is experiencing sleep deprivation, he cannot do well in school.