Many people don't understand the implications of having ADHD.  Here are some important points to consider when you are married to a person with ADHD.

What is ADD/ADHD?

ADD/ADHD is a fairly recently recognised disorder yet the first definition was published about 100 years ago by Dr. G. Still in London.

ADHD and difficulty with social relationships

Many people with ADD/ADHD have difficulty in understanding how others think and feel. This may lead to naive, or socially inappropriate behaviour. They often try hard to be sociable and do not dislike human contact. However, they still find it hard to understand non-verbal signals, including facial expressions.

ADHD and difficulty with communication

People with ADD/ADHD may speak very fluently but they may not take any notice of the reaction of people listening to them, continuing to talk about one topic regardless of the listeners interest or lack of it. Their voice and facial expression may be flat or unusual and they may have odd gestures or eye contact. In many cases they may take jokes or expressions literally and have difficulty in understanding sarcasm.

ADHD and lack of imagination

People with ADD/ADHD often find it difficult to think in abstract ways. They may have restricted interests, narrow, unsociable and unusual hobbies, and sometimes have an obsessive insistence on routines.

Many people with ADD/ADHD have difficulty planning and coping with change and, despite average or above average intelligence, there may be a notable lack of common sense. Everybody is different, and every person with ADD/ADHD has his/her own particular difficulties and strengths, but social problems, unusual verbal and non-verbal expression and narrow interests are the common features of ADD/ADHD.

Some people with ADD/ADHD may only receive a diagnosis in adulthood, and others may remain undiagnosed. Some individuals will manage very well, while others need a lot of support.

People with ADD/ADHD seem to have difficulty understanding what those around them think and feel. Because of this, they often behave inappropriately in social situations, or do things that may appear to be unkind or callous. The wife of one man with ADD/ADHD described his condition as causing "extreme emotional indifference" which was neither voluntary nor deliberate.

What ADD/ADHD is NOT

Many ordinary people have little eccentricities, certain obsessions, or a tendency to be shy in large social gatherings. ADD/ADHD is not simply normal eccentricity. People with ADD/ADHD usually do not want to be different, but do not know how to fit in better with those around them. The pattern of difficulties appears to start early in life, and people with ADD/ADHD have persistent social and communication problems from early childhood onwards. It is not just a bad phase. This means that an individual with previously close good friendships and normal everyday communication is unlikely to have ADD/ADHD. Knowing about childhood adjustment is important in diagnosing ADD/ADHD, because other disorders may resemble the condition.

How common is ADD/ADHD?

As ADD/ADHD has only fairly recently been recognised there are not yet good figures to estimate the prevalence rate. However studies suggest that approximatly 5% of school children will have the condition and of these 70% are likely to carry symptoms into adulthood. No doubt there are many cases which have never reached clinical attention. What causes ADD/ADHD?

ADD/ADHD, like autism, appears to be caused by some biological difference in how the brain develops. In many cases this may have a genetic cause; autism and ADD/ADHD often run in the same families. Indeed, it is not unusual for parents of children with autism to feel that they recognise certain features of the disorder (eg social difficulties) in other relatives. If you are concerned about possible genetic risks, you should ask your GP for information on genetic counselling. At present there is no cure for ADD/ADHD, although the help and support of family and friends can make a big difference.

ADD/ADHD in the family

Living with a person with ADD/ADHD can be very difficult because of the very subtle nature of the disability. There is no physical sign of the disorder, and it can be hard to explain to friends and family that the peculiar behaviour is not deliberate.

What can you do for yourself?

Because ADD/ADHD can be seen as a disorder of insight into thoughts and feelings, it may be very difficult to engage your partner in the sorts of discussions that marriage counsellors or family therapists use. Indeed, such therapists may not have heard of ADD/ADHD and may need information from you in order to avoid misunderstandings. You may like to think about other approaches instead - perhaps it will be more useful to talk to a counsellor on your own, to have a chance to think through your feelings and decide possible coping strategies.

In brief, the following three steps have been useful for some partners:

1. Contact with others in the same position, for understanding listening, support and advice.
2. Counselling for yourself and your family.
3. Consider whether diagnosis would help.